A Pirate's Life Smackdown
By Becky Waxman
The past two years have
been prime time for pirate adventure games, with the release of the episodic
additions to the Monkey Island series, Ghost Pirates of Vooju
Island, and other comedic piratical romps. Even serious pirates made the
scene in the classical Treasure Island. All these games take place in
a Caribbean-themed setting, and all have memorable scurvy characters. Now,
imagine what might happen if they all got together at the Scumm Bar on Melée
Island and signed up their champions for a smackdown tournament.
So belly up to the bar
for your mug of grog, then take a seat to watch what happens in the ring.
|
CAPTAIN LECHUCK |
VERSUS |
QUEEN ZIMBI |
 |
Tale of the Tape |
 |
|
Tales of Monkey
Island |
Game |
Ghost Pirates of
Vooju Island |
|
Pirate, ghost,
zombie, etc. |
Occupation |
Vooju practitioner |
|
Strategic thinker,
impossible to kill |
Strengths |
Ruthless, adaptable |
|
Wants to take over the Caribbean |
Weakness |
Wants to take over
the Azurbbean |
|
"Within my decaying
flesh courses more voodoo power than your pitiful mind can possibly
imagine!" |
Quote |
"Are we out of
chicken blood again?" |
The Bout:
Zimbi blocks LeChuck's
sword thrust using a magical force field. The sword flies out of the ring.
LeChuck is enraged. He batters at the force field with his fists. Zimbi lets
her protection gradually weaken, then wrestles her opponent, letting him pin
her to the ground. LeChuck gives her a hand up and offers to buy her a
drink. His admiration is only increased when, an hour later as they sit at
the bar, he catches her slipping narcotic Vooju dust into his grog. "I think
this just might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship," remarks LeChuck.
Match time: 40
minutes.
|
GAIUS JAMES ROVER |
VERSUS |
THE BIG BAD WOLF |
 |
Tale of the Tape |
 |
|
Jolly Rover |
Game |
Simon the Sorcerer
5: Who'd Even Want Contact?! |
|
Pirate, circus
clown |
Occupation |
Pirate, serious
drinker |
|
Trained in
acrobatics, thinks out of the box |
Strengths |
Sharp-toothed,
menacing |
|
Short, polite |
Weakness |
Clinically
depressed |
|
"I could drink to
escape, but that never solves anything. Besides, I prefer tea." |
Quote |
"What do you do
with a drunken sailor early in the morning?" |
The Bout:
Gaius stands still at
first, taking the Wolf's measure. Then he begins cart wheeling around the
ring. The wolf turns round and round, keeping him in view. Gaius leaps over
the Wolf, who ducks. He charges and the Wolf dodges. Gaius cartwheels
several more times around the ring. The Wolf collapses in a dizzy heap,
tears streaming down his face. Wild applause.
Match time: 15 minutes.
|
GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD
|
VERSUS |
SIMON THE SORCERER
|
 |
Tale of the Tape |
 |
|
Tales of Monkey Island
|
Game |
Simon the Sorcerer
5: Who'd Even Want Contact?! |
|
Mighty Pirate (TM) |
Occupation |
Slacker |
|
Springs back after humiliations, good at puzzles, can hold his breath
under water for ten minutes |
Strengths |
Quick-witted, self-serving,
nice hat |
|
Does
everything the hard way |
Weakness |
Can't be bothered
|
|
"Like you're a man or like I'm a man?" |
Quote |
"Me? A loser? Who spent
puberty in jail -- me or you?" |
The Bout:
The two fighters circle
the ring for an hour, making faces and gesturing rudely. At first the
audience laughs and hoots. When it looks as though the fight will never get
physical, the crowd begins booing. Guybrush makes the first move. He head
butts Simon.
Simon's hat falls to the
floor and inventory items scatter throughout the ring. Guybrush trips on the
lava-filled heating mushrooms and crashes into his opponent. Simon
picks up a bowl of swamp soup and dumps it over Guybrush's head.
Guybrush takes out his sword and shouts: "You fight like a short order
cook!"
Simon retrieves his
sniper harpoon with rope and counters: "Oh yeah? Well, you fight like a
cream puff!" He looses the harpoon at Guybrush and it nicks the sword,
sending it to the ground where it slides under a heap of inventory items.
Guybrush frantically
searches for his sword, hurling aside the objects on the floor, pausing only
to examine the she-wolf outfit. "Let me guess," he snickers, "You
wear this to entertain at birthday parties."
Simon nabs an item that
his opponent just discarded. "Wolf down THIS!" he cries, aiming the flask
of black sludge at Guybrush's face. The impact is spectacular.
Guybrush wipes the ooze
off his forehead. He identifies a pin cushion among the debris.
Grinning fiendishly, he holds up the Simon voodoo doll. "Don't they
say the pin is mightier than the sword?" He plunges the pin deep into the
doll's heart.
Simon screams and
clutches at his chest. Then he half closes his eyes and stretches out his
hand where he has palmed an extendable finger. "My name is Simon the
Sorcerer," he says quietly. "Prepare to die."
"Are you still trying to
win?" sneers Guybrush. "Is this some pitiful attempt at magic?"
Simon shakes his head.
"I'm using the mouse pointer to select the doll."
Guybrush is startled to
see that the Simon voodoo doll's mouth is beginning to move. "Simon
says take ten giant steps backward," says the doll in a squeaky voice.
Guybrush finds that he can't stop himself from backing out of the ring.
Match time: 1 hour, 20
minutes.
|
BLUE BELLY |
VERSUS |
RED RIDING HOOD |
 |
Tale of the Tape |
 |
|
Ghost Pirates of Vooju Island |
Game |
Simon the Sorcerer
5: Who'd Even Want Contact?! |
|
Pirate, cook |
Occupation |
Pirate, feminist |
|
Practical thinker, sense of humor |
Strengths |
Tough, single-minded |
|
Out
of shape |
Weakness |
Chip on her shoulder
|
|
"I can't tell what's in my heart. I'm a GUY." |
Quote |
"Neither you nor anybody
else aboard this ship will be able to wallow in a comfortable
patriarchy for much longer." |
The Bout:
Blue Belly smiles
winningly at Red Riding Hood and suggests that they settle the match with a
friendly game of charades. Red thinks that he is patronizing her because she
is a girl. She puts her hands on her hips and glares at him.
"Person!" shouts Blue
Belly. Red tosses a hand in the air and turns away in frustration.
"One word!" says Blue
Belly. Red stomps her foot, whips around and threatens him with her fist.
Steam issues from her ears.
"Cartoon character?" Blue
Belly guesses. Red crosses the ring and knees him in the gut. Blue Belly
falls flat on his back with a loud "Ooof!" He lies there, staring at the
ceiling, deep in thought. "Oooof. Goooof. Goofy?"
"Goofy?!" shouts Red as
she points at the hapless Blue Belly and thumbs her nose at him. "You and
all men like you are goofy!"
"I guessed right! I win,
I win!" exults Blue Belly.
Red stalks out of the
ring. Oompa-Loompas roll Blue Belly up to the bar and stand him on his feet
so he can enjoy a victory draft.
Match time: 3 minutes, 36
seconds.
|
LONG JOHN SILVER |
VERSUS |
PUGGY |
 |
Tale of the Tape |
 |
|
Treasure Island
|
Game |
Jolly Rover |
|
Pirate, cook |
Occupation |
Owner of the Stumble
Inn |
|
Experienced, devious |
Strengths |
Cute, hospitable |
|
A
peg-leg |
Weakness |
Overconfidence
|
|
"A little, how shall I put it, 'convincing' is in order."
|
Quote |
"This be a dog's
establishment. We serve rum." |
The Bout:
Puggy dons boxing gloves
and insists on fighting from his perch atop a barrel of rum. Long John limps
over to the barrel. He looks down at Puggy, who is lunging in and out,
attempting to land a punch. Long John sweeps off his hat and bows. Then he
traps the pup beneath the hat. Puggy struggles, but can't get out. A brief
timeout ensues while pirate officials surround the barrel and convince the
indignant Puggy that the fight is over.
Match time: 2 minutes.
|
MORGAN LEFLAY |
VERSUS |
JANE STARLING |
 |
Tale of the Tape |
 |
|
Tales of Monkey Island
|
Game |
Ghost Pirates of Vooju Island |
|
Pirate hunter |
Occupation |
Pirate, spy |
|
Expert swordsman, good at improvising |
Strengths |
Fearless, athletic
|
|
Hero worship |
Weakness |
A broken heart
|
|
"Now quit with the yappin' and fight me!" |
Quote |
"My swashbuckle is tingling." |
The Bout:
Day One -- they fight with swords. Day Two -- they fight with battle axes.
Day Three -- they fight with flame throwers. Jane looks up and notices that
the bar is burning and the only witnesses to the smackdown are members of
the volunteer fire department, who are attempting to douse the flames. In
this moment of distraction, Morgan seizes a hose from one of the fire
fighters and blasts Jane out of the ring with a mighty spray.
Match time: Two days, four hours, 8 minutes.
Better Than a Smackdown
Want to figure out who's
the toughest pirate on your own? Try meeting (or assuming the roles of)
these characters in the games where they walk, talk, puzzle, pick stuff up
and sometimes fight. These games can be purchased in English at the
following locations:
Ghost Pirates of Vooju
Island -- disk
version -- at Best Buy or via Interact, Amazon.com or Play.com. Downloads
can be purchased via The Adventure Shop or Gamers Gate.
Jolly Rover
downloads can be purchased via The Adventure Shop or Steam. A disk version
is in the works.
Simon the Sorcerer 5:
Who'd Even Want Contact?!
downloads can be purchased via The Adventure Shop, Gamers Gate or Amazon.com.
Tales of Monkey Island
can be purchased through the Telltale Games Store in either download or disk
form. The downloads can also be purchased via Amazon.com and Steam.
Treasure Island
-- disk version -- can be purchased at Target or via Interact or Amazon.com.
Downloads can be purchased via Gamers Gate.
GameBoomers reviews of
all these games can be
found here.
Links to online stores
are below:
Adventure Shop
Amazon.com
Gamers Gate
Interact!
Play.com
Steam
Telltale Games Store
copyright © 2010
GameBoomers