Posted By: gymcandy1
Joe's Saturdiner - 03/16/19 12:43 AM
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.
~Lewis Black~
`````````````````````
My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took up my razor and started shaving. I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was running the razor up and down his leg. So much for male bonding.
````
One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?”
Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”
````
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”
My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
````
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
• Would the lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag?
• What do you do with the snow when it melts?
````
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
````
My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Her boss, who didn’t know about her other job, had taken down this phone message: “Amy, you have a man to cure on Thursday at three.”
````
My granddaughter was graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the future. She hadn’t any, but she did know this much: “I certainly don’t want to sit in one of those cubicles and think all day.”
````
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
````
It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.”
````
Students are great about sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why:
“Dear Soldier, If you’re having a rough day, remember the most important thing in life is to be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.”
“Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red Hot Chili Peppers.”
“I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.”
````
As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said, “I have a wee-wee. Daddy has a wee-wee.”
“That’s right,” said his mother. “That’s because you’re both boys. Do you know what mommies have?
Daniel did: “Earrings.”
````
After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?”
Lucas answered, “I don’t know. I can’t read.”
````
During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror.
“Don’t worry,” the woman said. “I can see myself on either side of you.”
````
During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor.
“That was nice of them,” he said.
She was unimpressed. “They only want me for my body,” she grumbled.
````
After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”
The pianist replied, “Most of them.”
````
My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I am thinking about heading out to the sod farm this weekend. It's supposed to be sunny and 58 degrees, and only 5mph wind.
We had a great day today. It was cool and windy, but not so bad right out in front of my house. I washed my porch off this morning, then went to Lowe's again for some concrete crack filler. I came back home and filled in the holes and cracks on my porch, and after that dried I painted it a very light colored tan or cream color. At least that's what it looks like to me. It looks much better.
L4L I keep working on my front door. I hate being so compulsive. I filled some dents in it and sanded and painted. Then I look at it from a different angle, or in a different light, and I see more dents. It had a lot of little dents. It looks like a wood door, but it's metal on the outside. Anyway I have to sand again, and paint again.
Ana I'm glad you're inspired my my projects, and L4L's.
Now I'm inspired to do even more.
I actually have so many projects I want to do it makes my bank balance dizzy. I have to sit down and look at my priorities, and weigh the cost of each project against the value it adds to the house.
I need to completely rebuild the back porch, which is a pretty big deck.
All in good time. My biggest priorities are paying off my truck, and then the house........early.
Have a great day everyone.
joe.
~Lewis Black~
`````````````````````
My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took up my razor and started shaving. I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was running the razor up and down his leg. So much for male bonding.
````
One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?”
Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”
````
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”
My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
````
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
• Would the lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag?
• What do you do with the snow when it melts?
````
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
````
My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Her boss, who didn’t know about her other job, had taken down this phone message: “Amy, you have a man to cure on Thursday at three.”
````
My granddaughter was graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the future. She hadn’t any, but she did know this much: “I certainly don’t want to sit in one of those cubicles and think all day.”
````
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
````
It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.”
````
Students are great about sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why:
“Dear Soldier, If you’re having a rough day, remember the most important thing in life is to be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.”
“Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red Hot Chili Peppers.”
“I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.”
````
As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said, “I have a wee-wee. Daddy has a wee-wee.”
“That’s right,” said his mother. “That’s because you’re both boys. Do you know what mommies have?
Daniel did: “Earrings.”
````
After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?”
Lucas answered, “I don’t know. I can’t read.”
````
During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror.
“Don’t worry,” the woman said. “I can see myself on either side of you.”
````
During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor.
“That was nice of them,” he said.
She was unimpressed. “They only want me for my body,” she grumbled.
````
After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”
The pianist replied, “Most of them.”
````
My 11-year-old grandson spent a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I am thinking about heading out to the sod farm this weekend. It's supposed to be sunny and 58 degrees, and only 5mph wind.
We had a great day today. It was cool and windy, but not so bad right out in front of my house. I washed my porch off this morning, then went to Lowe's again for some concrete crack filler. I came back home and filled in the holes and cracks on my porch, and after that dried I painted it a very light colored tan or cream color. At least that's what it looks like to me. It looks much better.
L4L I keep working on my front door. I hate being so compulsive. I filled some dents in it and sanded and painted. Then I look at it from a different angle, or in a different light, and I see more dents. It had a lot of little dents. It looks like a wood door, but it's metal on the outside. Anyway I have to sand again, and paint again.
Ana I'm glad you're inspired my my projects, and L4L's.
Now I'm inspired to do even more.
I actually have so many projects I want to do it makes my bank balance dizzy. I have to sit down and look at my priorities, and weigh the cost of each project against the value it adds to the house.
I need to completely rebuild the back porch, which is a pretty big deck.
All in good time. My biggest priorities are paying off my truck, and then the house........early.
Have a great day everyone.
joe.
Have a Happy Saturday everyone! 
with your projects, Joe!
