I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt
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A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake. The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.
The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.
The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."
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Apple unveiled the new iPad last week. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models - which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one.
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A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
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Committee Rules
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
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The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing".
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
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At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
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A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.
"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"
"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."
The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"
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A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
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Good booming morning everyboomie.
It's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.
The cows are mooing. (imagine it)
The wind is blowing.
A tree limb is scratching against my window.
I think there's a squirrel family living in our attic with nine little rug rats.
The dang cow's are mooing.
And I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!!
I think it's going to be a lovely day.
I hope it's the same for you.
Have a happy day everybuddy.
joe
acebook
witter
Any fun plans today?
The manager showed up yesterday to help, so we are all caught up on the work. Nice to not have that hanging over my head. 
but not this hot,
Son is at work. I'll be relaxing a bit and cleaning a bit. The tomorrow and Sat I'll clean a lot because that will make the hours go by. Travel day is always soooooooo long for me, but if I have a lot that has to be done, it's gone before I know it. 
