Just up ahead there's a glittery path forking off to the right of the yellow brick road.
> Walk along the path & just round the corner is a large flashing neon lit building. At the entrance is a troll made out of boulders & round his neck he is wearing an identity card - his name is Rocky 3.
> Try to enter the night club. Rocky 3 says 'no way'. Can't you read the sign - SMART DRESS ONLY. He sniffs Pepe Le Pew & adds 'strictly no BO'.
> Walk round to the back of the building & there is a door with a padlock.
> Examine padlock - it's a combination lock. Not enough information.
> Combine moldy brie with barrel of gun to make silencer.
> Use gun on padlock.
> Enter door. You are in a corridor with rows of doors to the right & left.
> Try the doors. All are locked except for one.
> Enter door. You are in a dressing room with clothes & cosmetics strewn around.
> Pick up orange satin gloves, orange feather boa & orange hair scrunchy. Use all on Michael & then use red wig. Michael protests that it's not his colour. You reassure him it's very flattering to his complexion
> Pick up bottle of Victoria Beckham 'Golden Balls' super strength perfume, a black panama hat & pair of starshaped glittery red rimmed sunglasses. Use these on Pepe Le Pew.
> Pick up gold lurex cravat, & gold highlight hairspray. Use these on 'Scarface'.
> Exit drssingroom.
> Exit building.
> Walk round to front.
> Try to enter nightclub again. Pepe Le Pew does his best Antonio Banderas impression & wonders how cats can do it so much better.
> "Not so fast" Rocky 3 says "Have you got tickets?" You say "no" & ask him if there is anything else he would like instead. He tells you he is having a lot of trouble with his toenails as he can't file them down.
> Offer Rocky 3 shard of flint. He is so happy "thankyou, thankyou" & starts dancing around. The ground vibrates.
> Quickly head into the nightclub .........

You offer to fetch the drinks, and you go to the bar.

>look at bartender

The bartender looks quite old. His face shows he has had his fair share of the 'good' things in life. Some bats are flying around him.

>talk to bartender

He says his name is Ozzie and he comes from the land down below.
"It's quiet now" he says "it's because the men are at work. Would you like a bat?"

>say yes

Ozzie gives you a bat.

>Examine bat

The bat is wearing a cap, a glove and tight pants. It's a baseball bat!

>talk to bat

"You play baseball, don't you?"
"You bet I do, I'm a pitcher!"

>use pitcher with bartender

Ozzie fills the pitcher with beer. You start to walk back to your table, a man in black addresses you. "Let me introduce myself to you, I'm Michael, Michael Knight." Oh no, please no more Michaels!

>ask Knight about whizzer

"I know where he lives, I could drive you there with my car."
You accept his offer and Michael talks to his watch, "Kid, get us out of here!". With a loud noise and a smell of burning rubber a car enters. You call the others and you all get into the car. Down the road again! You see a small orange fibre on your seat.

>examine fibre

You take a closer look at the fibre, you now see it's a Speedo.

>ask Michael about Speedo

"Please call me David, all my friends do. The Speedo you say? In my spare time I'm a life guard. I hate water but I like the big floating devices covered in orange fabric!". A voice in the car says "Oh please David, end these awful puns!"

>ask David about the voice

"Never mind that! It's just Kid."

>ask about Kid

"Is Kid some kind of computer?"
"No, it's just a little kid hiding itself in the dashboard."
You see that the scarecrow's eyes are wide open now and he seems to be very alert.

David turns on the stereo and says "Do you know I'm a singer also? I even made an album. I'll play it for you."
He inserts a CD into the stereo and you hear the music. You decide you have to get out of the car quick. You ask David to stop the car. He stops the car at a MacDrive and you and the others step out. David orders some drinks and some burgers. You think that David will have a night to remember!
The four of you start walking again.





Bernard

> the yellow brick road is nowhere to be seen - you're lost. All of a sudden you see a big cloud of black smoke in the distance & from nowhere some music fills the air "oo eeeee oo, ee oo ee oo ee" which repeats then stops. A man materialises in front of you dressed in a fluorescent green leotard carrying a large suitcase. He introduces himself as Captain Hamish Wee Dirk. He tells you that he has lost his starship - he beamed down to see the Wizzer because his crew insisted that they were bored with wearing the same uniforms year in year out. You ask whether he knows anything about the black smoke. He tells you he heard a rumour that the bouncer of the local nightclub accidently set fire to it while filing his toenails. Apparently some idiots had given him a shard of flint with which to do it. The smoke is a nuisance because his Lieutanant O'Hairy can't pinpoint his co-ordinates..........

>talk to Dirk

"Hii. I'm the the lost adventurer, where do you come from?"

"I come from a galaxy many, many, many, ................
.....................................................
..................................................
..........., many light years away!"

"What are you here for?"

"I want to show the all new TeaserGun™ to you Earthlings."

>ask about TeaserGun™

He points the TeaserGun™ at you and you suddenly see a tropical island with two people on it, one of them seems to have a foot injury. You tell Dirk the teaser isn't very original. He says you're right, it's a sequel."
Dirk asks where you're going, you tell him the story about the Whizzer.

He says:
"I will follow you
follow you where ever you may go
there isn't a ..."

"Oh shut up please!!!! You can come with us, but no more tunes."

Walking again, you notice Dirk is leaving Mystic Trails.




Bernard

> meanwhile on the starship Bentbutflise Lieutanant O'Hairy is shirking & playing The Lost Gown (waiting in anticipation for the new uniforms) All of a sudden the location monitor starts to bleep & she sees a trail of beacons on the screen. She presses a button & the big monitor in the control room shows the Captain walking along with four strange folk dressed in tasteless attire. "Excuse me Logic Officer Sock" she says, "I think I have the co-ordinates of the Captain - he's been leaving a Mystic Trail - should I arrange for Spotty to beam him up". "Has he got the new uniform" Sock asks. "Looks like he's wearing some of it but he hasn't got the matching green Doc Martins & Davy Crockett hat". "In that case the logical thing to do is keep watching - he must be returning to the Whizzer with that somewhat Motley Crue, who look like a theatre of pain, to get the rest of the gear."
Meanwhile back on 'earth' ................

.....the never-ending story continues!

You pass a sign.

>look sign

It's a sign with a shield and the number 66.

>take shield

You take the shield and you feel quite safe now.
Marching on. Another Sign is caught by your eyes, "Bistro of the Incrowd", maybe someone here knows where you can find the Bistro à l'Aztec!

>Enter Bistro

You enter the restaurant and you immediately are overwhelmed by the heat and the smell of sulphur.
A man, dressed in white approaches and says:
"Bon soir Monsieur, je m'appelle Cordon Rentré, je suis le chef de bistro.". He has a terrible accent and it isn't French!
You hear the sound of something falling coming out of the kitchen, the chef opens the door to the kitchen and starts swearing at the little demons who work there.

Well at least you know what language to use to address him.
"Listen you, {bbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepp} you phoney French frying fun of a fish! You know the Le Bistro à l'Aztec!" He understands English very well now and answers he hasn't the faintest clue.
You see Fran Fine fitting at her fable, uhh sitting at her table, waiting for Barbora, and you want to be out of here before she starts to talk. You have heard too many disgusting noises for one day.

You're on the road again!




Bernard

> back on the Bentbutflise the officers are watching the scene. Navigator Tickov notices the shield & suddenly says "Oh, no! zis shild haz anuzer hiddin numberr - it iz anuzer 6 - ze shild is not for protection - it has 666 - it iz eveel! Vee shuld beam up ze captin now!" "But what about the rest of our new uniforms?" O'Hairy says.
>Enter Spotty "Aye lass, we all want new uniforms but we can always rely on Captain Mypal Reynolds for boots & hats. He's the best scavenger in the galaxy & his fieryfly is due to land on a planet near here soon"
.........

>I'm really confused now, what happened to the yellow brick road?

We left it 10 million light years behind, Jim.

>Where are my buddies Pepe Le Pew, Lord O'Scars and scarecrow dude?

They're right behind you, having a cigarette and a beer.

>Hey, how come they get to have all the fun while I'm in outer space/in a terrifying bistro?!

You just want to go meet The Whizzer, don't you.

>yes

>_

> Meanwhile back on earth you,Pepe Le Pew, Lord O'Scars & Michael (scarecrow dude!)& Captain Dirk are trying to find the yellow brick road (you lost it after taking a ride in David's car ages ago) Still no sign of the yellow brick road.
> Talk to Captain Dirk. Ask him if he can use the Teaser Gun to find the yellow brick road .............

Captain Dirk nods and takes out his Teaser Gun. He presses an awkward series of buttons and turns a few knobs, and suddenly the Teaser Gun begins shouting to no one in particular.

"Hey road! Yeah, you, you stinking pile of bricks? Running from us, are you? What are you? CHICKEN? That's it, isn't it! You're YELLOW! A no good, lily-livered, yellow-bellied--"

The Teaser gun is drowned out for a second as the ground rumbles loudly and begins to quake. About 50 yards to the East, a large mound of earth rises into the sky, atop which you see the yellow brick road, writhing in anger.

The Teaser Gun continues prattling obliviously.

> Turn off Teaser

You frantically reach over to Dirk and turn off the Teaser Gun and listen as it slowly winds into silence. Unfortunately, the damage is done: the Yellow Brick Road is now bearing down at you like an avalanche.

> Run

You and your companions charge randomly through the underbrush. After a few minutes, you've lost the road again. You're standing in a small clearing surrounded by tall, bright blue trees. The sky to the east is glowing green, and the sun is setting to the west. Miraculously, Dirk, the scarecrow and Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss all manage to stumble into the clearing at the same time you do--albeit from entirely different directions.

You can still hear the road smashing around nearby. Once it settles down it shouldn't be too hard to find.

> Look at glow

The eastern sky is glowing green.

> Ask about glow

You ask your companions about the glow. Dirk nods happily.

"That's the glow from the Emerald City's smelting factories," he informs you. "Emeralds don't make a very good building material--not until you've melted them down from the raw ores, anyway. The whole city pulls emeralds up out of the mines and throws them into their furnaces, and the smelting process makes that fog up there. We follow that glow, and we'll be with the Whizzer by sometime tomorrow!

Which reminds me. You'll all be needing these."

Dirk hands a pair of dark green sunglasses to you and each of your companions.

"What are these for?" asks Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss.

"It's the heat, y'see. The Emerald City itself is made of pure emerald, o' course, and it traps and refracts light and heat. Some folks think it's so bright y'can go blind jus' by standin' near it, but that's a load of rubbish, of course. But y'add to that the heat o' the furnaces and the emerald slag, and it gets awful hot, and...well..."

"Well what?" asks the Scarecrow.

"Well, occasionally people just sort o'...burst inta flame. Sputaneous Bustion they call it."

The Scarecrow is looking decidedly concerned at this point.

"I don't get it," you ask. "What good will the sunglasses do cooling us down?"

"Oh no," says Dirk, "They won't lower the temperature at all. You just LOOK cooler."

You all put on your sunglasses.

You notice the road has quieted now: maybe you should go looking for it.

> Emeralds don't work that way.

You should really go find the road now.

> Find road

After a few minutes, you manage to stumble across the road--literally. You could swear it tried to trip you, but it seems settled enough now. The road continues west and east.

>E

As the sun sets, you and your companions start east on the road once again. You notice you're approaching a sign, which reads:

Emerald City
106 miles

Which, as you figure it, pretty much caps the day: all your wandering around has put you about 50 miles back in the wrong direction, and since you haven't been here before, you're not sure you're even on the right road. But all yellow-brick-roads lead to the emerald city, right?

You hear a low growling coming from the bushes to the left.

> Examine bushes

You move to take a closer look, when suddenly a lion leaps from the bushes and attacks the Scarecrow, knocking him to the ground in a heap.

Roaring, the lion turns and starts running towards you.

> status

It's 106 miles to the Emerald City, you've got an empty bucket, a shard of flint, a pocket sword, 2 cents, a gun with 1 bullet remaining, a dusty bottle containing a very small amount of olive oil, a clipper lighter, a shield and a pair of silver slippers, it's dark, and you're wearing sunglasses. There is a lion running towards you.

> Hit it.

With what?

> Hit it with the empty bucket.

You're tired and you can barely see, but you swing wildly, clobbering the lion right on the nose. It draws up short in surprise, whines and starts crying uncontrollably.

> That was really long.

You're just making it longer now. Hush.

REM: Hey, I spent one of those cents!

>Tickle lion.

Excuse me? Don't you want to save first?

>Save game.

GAME SAVED.

>Tickle lion.

The lion stops weeping, laughs uproariously and then eats you.

YOU HAVE DIED.

POINTS: 520 zorkmids

STATUS: Official slacker

>Load Game

Sigh.

>Tickle lion with pocket sword.

The lion, stops crying and bows to you. "You have bested me in fair combat," he announces. "You are now King of the Forest!" He puts a crown on your head.

(You can't see the crown because it's dark and you're wearing sunglasses, but you can feel it. It's very heavy.)

"How may I serve you, O King?" asks the lion with a great show of politeness.

>_

REM Shiny Happy People

Come on! I'm not a jukebox.
You're lucky. I'm in a good mood, just hit the play button!
►

>♫


Bernard

>turn up volume on jukebox

I'm not a jukebox! How many more times. And if you start dancing like Michael Stipe, then it's Game Over.

>spoilsport

So what about this lion, then?

>ask the lion if he is acquainted with The Whizzer

You ask the lion if he is thus acquainted. The lion smiles wistfully. "Yes, many years ago, but I was ostracised from his castle."

>you grew feathers and stuck your head in the ground?

Not ostrich-cised, you blithering imbecile. Ostracised. Cast out.

>ask the lion why he was ostracised.

You ask the lion. He looks sad. "I will explain all," he tells you, "but while I do, let us carry on along the road.."

>_

Talk to lion.

The lion joins the retinue of the King of the Forest. "In my youth," says the lion, "I ascended to the throne and gained the crown. The crown gives the wearer a chance to break two of the rules. When two rules are broken, the wearer of the crown must give it up."

"Which rules did you break?" you ask.

"The first rule I broke was breeding Grues with Humans," says the lion, smiling reminisciently. "I wanted to let the descendants of the Grues enjoy the sunlight, you see. That was when The Whizzer decided that I should be banished for my crime."

"And what was the second rule that you broke?"

"The second rule was: "Do not eat an Ageless Faceless Gender Neutral Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person."

"Then why did you eat me?" you ask, starting to wonder if the crown you are wearing has strings attached.

"It's just that I'm so ticklish," said the lion with what (on a human, or even a half-human, half grue) would be a poker face.

>Read the rules for The King of the Forest

A scroll appears out of thin air. It is surprisingly short, and contains thin, elegant writing in what looks like blood.

Rule 1: "Do not breed Humans with Grues."

Rule 2: "Do not eat an Ageless Faceless Gender Neutral Culturally-Ambiguous Adventure Person."

Rule 3: "Do not use a walkthrough."

Rule 4: "Do not kill The Whizzer."

>Talk to the lion.

"So to get rid of this crown, I would have to..."

The lion grins and nods happily.

>_

Sorry, alternative story line above!

Been there, done that too.

>~

Console opened.

>player.additem BAFF1ED 1

(1) WALKTHROUGH has been added to your inventory.

>Use walkthrough

You start thumbing through the pages, but don't get very far. As far as you can tell the walkthrough is approximately 72,318 pages long, and at least half of it is twisted into a dimension you can't begin to comprehend. Moreover, some of the pages appear to be in a state of quantum flux, words shifting and disappearing like ghosts at the farthest extents of your peripheral vision. It's as if a near-infinite cavalcade of monkeys were writing the walkthrough simultaneously, and rather than guide it in any particular direction, they went in every direction at once.

In short, you're certain of the book's position, but not its velocity. A little out of sorts, you tuck the walkthrough back into your inventory, where it spontaneously ceases to exist. Or not.

Your crown feels a little lighter on your head.

REM -- nice bit of writing!

Remove crown.

You can't remove the crown while you are still King.

>The pale light of dawn begins to show on the horizon. As you are walking, you hear your companions begin to snicker. "What's so funny?" you ask.

"Nothing, nothing," says Dirk. You look each companion directly in the eye. They are all still snickering except the Lion, who gazes innocently back at you. You reach up to feel your crown. You realize that it is shaped like a cone.

"This is not happening," you say conversationally.

In your mind, you are preparing to kill somebody -- whether it's the Lion or the Whizzer you haven't decided yet.

"Yo, adventurers!" says a voice from behind you. You turn around and see, sitting beneath a tree, a mummy with a peddler's cart. "Do I have a deal for you!" says the mummy. "Yes, I mean you -- the one with the dunce cap," says the mummy. Her voice, though muffled by the winding cloth around it, sounds strangely familiar.

You stop and approach the mummy. "Nancy?" you whisper.

"I'm here to help you," says the mummy. She pulls three items out of the cart. "One of these will help you with The Whizzer."

One item is a crystal with the shape of a gun etched on one side. The other item is a crowbar with an emerald attached to one end. The last item is a glass with a thick bottom and a miniature figure of Guybrush Threepwood sitting inside, so that the figure only becomes visible when the glass is mostly empty.

"Which will it be?" says the mummy. "Choose the crystal with the pistol and this becomes an action adventure. Choose the tool with the jewel, and this becomes a casual adventure. Chose the tumbler with the bumbler, and this remains a pure adventure. Choose wisely."

"Nancy, which will help me get rid of this crown fastest?" you ask the mummy confidentially.

"Telling you that would doom me to wander the earth for eternity, solving head-scratching mysteries," says the mummy. "And don't call me Nancy."

>

>save game

This game can't be saved any more!

>Ouch

And you think you're in pain!?

>choose armed crystal

A stampede off Lara's, Indiana's and all the others trample you and your Greedy Bunch. They're followed by boulders, rock slides, poisoned arrows, vampires, mummies and so on and so on.

You have died!

Maybe that wasn't such a wise choice! Do you want a second change?




Bernard

>yes please, I'll take the glass with the thick bottom

Thinking again of Lay-Low, you choose the vessel with the thick bottom. The glass is mostly empty; you appear to be a pessimist. Look on the bright side, why dont'cha.

Slowly, but surely, the miniature figure of Guybrush Threepwood therein grows, shattering glass fragments as he mushrooms into a 4ft, no a 5ft, no! a 6ft - aieeeeeeeee, a quick burst of growth there - a 100ft monster of a pirate. He stands proudly on the earthy ground, grimacing down at you as you cower like the big cowering cowardy custard that you are.

>wave to Guybrush

He can't see you, he's too tall. Maybe he's shortsighted? He should've gone to Specsavers.

>shoot Guybrush

Shoot Guybrush???? Adventure gamers everywhere will cry profusely if you do that.

>ok, don't shoot Guybrush

Guybrush looks mighty relieved. Then he stands on your head.

You have died.

You're rubbish at this. Do you want a third chance?

>_

>do I have any other options?

No, you don't

>take the crowbar, give it to Michael

CUT SCENE!

A cut scene comes by, you gaze at it with your eyes wide open!
When it's over, you can't move no more, shivers go up and down your back and you want to scream....!

Oh, come on, get a hold on yourself, it was just a paper cut!

Slowly you regain your senses.
The scarecrow is very happy with his new toy. "Now I can keep those nasty birds away from me much more easy! Look, someone garishly decorated it, this is really thrilling me."

At least somebody is happy.




Bernard

>Move down the yellow brick road.

You wave good-by to the mummy, who is posing with a magnifying glass. You glare at the giant Guybrush Threepwood, who seems to be strangely motionless now -- perhaps he is regretting that he squashed you?

You and your companions try to move on down the road. But, alas! Your world has suddenly become two-dimensional. Putting one foot forward just leaves you walking in place.

"Here's the ticket!" says Lord Ossccarrrrrrssss. He appears to have found a large directional arrow at the corner of what is now your entire world. "I think we should use this arrow."

Your companions take a vote. All are for using the arrow except for the Lion, who is now looking distinctly uncomfortable. You decide that if it makes him uncomfortable, it must be good.

>Use arrow.

You are immediately transported to the Emerald City. Except that it is no longer the Emerald City of old. It is roughly castle-shaped, but now the walls are made of jewels of many colors, scrolling down to the ground. In front of the castle is a catapult that can be launched at the jewels as they move.

>_

You have played this game before!

>use catapult

You're shooting gems like a Duke Nukem on steroids. You hear a cheery melody and the text "You win, I loose!" is flashing before your eyes. You collect your prize, cheap cardboard glasses with plastic lenses, one red and the other one green.

>wear glasses

You look at the world in a whole new perspective! It's 2.5 or maybe even 3D! Niiiice.




Bernard

Look at Emerald City.

The interior of the Emerald City can now be seen in all its 3D glory. You are amazed at the detail. You remove the cardboard glasses and are surprised to see that the whole thing is actually a curtain-like tapestry of the Emerald City. But with the 3D glasses on, it looks as though you can walk right into the city and make yourself at home.

In front of the curtain is a fountain with yellow water. In front of the fountain is a sign: "To enter the Emerald City, put coins in the fountain. (Please do not bathe in the fountain. Please do not swim in the fountain. Please do not drink from the fountain. -- The Management)"

>_

>place coins in fountain

You place all your scraggy loose change in the fountain. The fountain momentarily ceases to ripple, as if to contemplate your meagre offering. And then, a miraculous occurrence: a myriad of rainbows! a conglomerate of cumulus nimbus!

>I'm dazzled

Well, you should be. And then, from a fold in the Emerald City tapestry curtain, march 500 Oompah-Loompahs. They are dancing, and quite possibly drunk out of their skulls. They giggle and chortle and jiggle and wiggle, and seem to find you and your merry troupe extremely amusing.

>I think the Oompah-Loompahs took a wrong turning left of Cleveland.

Yes, but don't tell them that, they would get very upset. Besides, The Whizzer is quite entranced with them, they make excellent candy.

The tapestry curtain begins to draw apart, and you can see beyond into the grand halls of the palace....The Whizzer awaits you!

>_