REM Please click on the 'play' button in Bernard's post before continuing I nearly missed it! END REM

>speak to Graham

"But pardon me King Graham" you say nodding towards The Prince of Shapier "if you already have the services of an experienced hero, why do you need me?"

Graham pulls you aside to speak privately "because the Prince is a good warrior but he's erm.. not too gifted in the brain department, well actually he's as thick as two short planks & has no idea where to start looking for my family, so I was hoping you could help with that. Besides, aren't 2 heroes better than 1?"

"I see" you say "but, I need to find my friends first, I wonder where they are? The dwarves promised to take us all South to Glinda's after their performance"

"But you said you would help me first!" Graham says indignantly as he stamps his foot. "Your friends must be on their way South with the dwarves, can't you look for them afterwards? Then Prince Shapier can take you to this Glinda's on his carpet."

"No" you say "at least one of my younger friends has powers that we may need if you want my help, also they can't go anywhere or do anything without me...........oh, no!" As the realization dawns on you, you are suddenly horrorstruck.

Meanwhile.......emanating from the depths of a black vortex in the midst of nowhere is a faint chorus of what sounds like 'where's the player....... where's the player ..... heeelp .....heeelp'.

Graham, on seeing your distress, sighs & says concededly "Okay, is there anything I can do?"

At that moment a huge mass of swirling black cloud suddenly appears in the sky & starts to descend into the midst of a glade about 100 yards away, gradually becoming clearer as it nears the ground.

"Thank you King Graham" you say "I think you have already done it!, I will be back shortly". With that you run towards the glade.

Just at the point you enter the clearing, you see the band of dwarves sitting on their Harleys, the 3 children & your 5 other friends all tumble to the ground as the last wisp of the cloud disappears. They all seem pretty shaken up but thankfully not hurt.

A few moments later, on suddenly seeing you, after the dwarves have extracted themselves from their bikes & the others have straightened themselves up, Pepe Le Pew says angrily "where did you go.." everyone else now starts to shout at you.... "yeah, we thought you'd written us out of the game"....."why did you leave us, you know without your parsers we're dead" ......

"I'm sorry" you say "it wasn't me, but I came back for you all & I'm so glad to see you ". You look so upset & sound so sincere you are instantly forgiven, but you are now a little puzzled & ask the dwarves "surely you shouldn't be here, the story said that you were on your way to the next gig?" "Aah", says one of them "but we made a promise & because we intended to keep to it, storyline or not, we had to join everyone else in the archives!".

You realise how kind & noble the dwarves are. You thank them & after explaining that you have agreed to help Sir Graham first you ask for a rain cheque on the promise. One of the dwarves hands you a cheque & a rattle which makes the noise of clinking gold. "Just wetten the cheque & rattle this rattle when you are ready for a ride to Glinda's". With that the members & roadies of Full Metal Throttle say their goodbyes, climb on to their now very sooty bikes & roar off down the road.

>Talk to Mia. "we know King Graham needs help but what did you mean earlier on when you said he is is not as he seems?"
"Well" she says "his presence completely drained me of my body heat, I think he may be a 'spirit' from a different time zone".

While you are pondering this Dirk suddenly pipes up "that could make sense. If Graham is trapped here in the present that would explain why his family weren't still under the bell jar". At that you suddenly remember the photo you took with the tearlike streak. Could that be a time split.
>Show photo to Dirk. "What do you think?"
Dirk scratches his head "It certainly looks like one. I think possibly that the answer to the whereabouts of Graham's family lies in Mordack's castle, there must be another timesplit somewhere, if it's not in there, there must at least be some documentation about what happened the last time Graham's castle was seized to give us some clues. If we are to help Graham we need to find the other timesplit to either bring his family to the present or send him back to the past"

You & your friends now make your way out of the glade to join Graham & the prince at the front of the castle.

>

REM Thanks Chrissie, I had missed it, probably because I don't have Bernard's obviously comprehensive knowledge of modern music. Thanks to Bernard for a great sideways reference
/REM

You all hurry back to Graham and the Prince

>speak to Graham

You explain to Graham and the Prince the theory proposed by Mia and Dirk. He considers the idea and says "Yes that could be right, but the timesplit we are looking for is only 10 years ago, which when is this nightmare last happened. I think you have confused Mordack's castle with mine. As you say this one has been his for 300 years. Last time around I got my castle back as well as the family. This time the castle is still back there in Daventy, but he has Valenice, Alexander, and Rosella. Perhaps you are right and we should explore the castle thoroughly, especially as he doesn't seem to here at present. I just hope that evil black cat that was Mordack's brother Manannan before Alexander enchanted him is not still alive. Let's see what the hero thinks.

>speak to the Prince

"Will there be any monsters, spirits, demons, or wraiths to fight" he asks. You exchange significant glances with Graham. You also breathe a private sigh of relief that if there are any nasties in there, which seems very likely, you now know who to push out in front. In fact it seems you have a willing volunteer who won't even need pushing. The Prince adds "now we all seem to be friends undertaking the same Quest you can call me Ant, it's short for Antony.

> go in castle

You are all in the entrance hall of Mordack's castle

REM I am going to have to print at least some of this out. I currently have lost track of both who exactly are in the party, and what's in the inventory /REM

>-

REM hope this might help Frances. Please let me know anyone if I've missed or misinterpreted anything END REM
Inventory:
Empty oilcan
Latin-English dictionary
Empty clay jug
Handheld AG consol with internet access & camera
Crowbar with corrupt emerald attached (has powers that can be wielded by Mia but needs to be used with a 2nd compatible emerald to be used properly)
Axtec-like statue of young woman with one emerald eye missing
Handbag full of rancid butter.
Magnifying glass
Tape measure
Silver compact with mirror, powder & pad
Tripod
Red worn down lipstick
Orange feather boa
Orange satin gloves
Hero's knife
Graham's ivory horn (blow through this to call him when he's not around)
Rain cheque & rattle (wetten the cheque & rattle the rattle to make sound of clinking gold to call dwarves for ride to Glinda's)

Main characters:
YOU, the player seeking to rid yourself of the crown (now a cone) & to find the whereabouts of Le Bistro á L'Aztec

PÉPÉ LE PEW, a smelly cat-like creature, with a white stripe along his tail, seeking a cure for B.O. (please don't refer to him as a s---k as it upsets him)

LORD O'SCARS, an automation who is seeking a complete make-over but has just had a 'boiling oil' treatment, so very happy.

MICHAEL, a scarecrow seeking a bird resistant coating & a new nose.

CAPTAIN HAMISH WEE DIRK, captain of the Starship Bentbutflise which is hovering in space, waiting for him to get some new uniforms. He is wearing a long legged green leotard & has got some for his crew (which are in a suitcase left with the Whizzer). He was seeking matching boots & hats to complete the uniforms but Becky has since hacked into game files & it looks like his Logic Officer Sock (wherever he is) is now seeking new uniforms too. Sock is his 1st Officer & has green skin & pointy ears. Other members of his crew, still onboard, include Navigator Tickov, Engineer Spotty & communications officer Lieutenant O'Hairy - she is looking forward to a vacation in Amsterdam soon.

The five of you so far have been to see the Whizzer who would only grant you everything you were seeking if you went on a quest to subdue a giant 'terrorising' his domain. You had to leave most of your inventory items with him as security. Most of it was junk anyway but included a pair of silver slippers & a suitcase full of leotards for Dirk's crew. (Junk includes purple cashmere sweater, bottle of washing up liquid, DVD - how to be like Antonio Banderas (Pépé's), dangly earrings, diamond ring).... wait a minute... diamond ring? That's not junk!

NERO BEAMBAR turned out to be the 'giant' except he's not really, he just has enormous feet. He was suffering from a 'perspective' disorder which made him look larger & larger the farther away he was. He's now cured. His home is Beambar Mansion on the top of Mount Ixnay.

The 3 children were met on route to Beambar Mansion. You find out later that they were ordered by the Whizzer to help with your quest (without knowing what it was) i.e. subdue Beambar but Mia ends up helping him.
MIA (short for Lamia) is a witch. Her speciality is creating fire but has some other powers.
CASSIE (short for Occasus) is her sister. We're not sure yet whether she has any powers.
MAL (short for Maleficus) The brother shocked everyone when he was able to lift & throw Lord O'Scars using telekinesis in a fit of rage when the children were about to be accused of being the Whizzer's servants by him.

After curing Nero Beambar you would have been on your way back to the Whizzer to have your wishes granted but the children, on discovering that he has possession of the silver slippers & told you that it could be very very bad if he finds out how to use their power, have convinced you that the only way to deal with this is to awaken Glinda the 'wicked witch' of Quadling Country. You are not sure whether you trust the children or not but trust them more than the Whizzer who has replaced someone else? The children have mentioned their mother a few times so they do have one.
Tip: Make sure if you decide to go & see the Whizzer again that you are not carrying a walkthrough.

You end up at Mordack's castle after being invited by the dwarves, as special guests to attend their Command Performance there. They promise to give you a ride to Glinda's place afterwards but you bump into a frantic man needing some help. You can call on the dwarves when you are ready to go South.

KING GRAHAM OF DAVENTRY Many years ago Mordack seized his castle in Daventry, which has since been reclaimed, & kidnapped his wife Valenice, son Prince Alexander (husband of Princess Casima of the Green Isles) & daughter Princess Rosella (wife of Prince Edgar) Mordack brought them to his castle & hid them under a bell jar in a lab just behind the cellar. King Graham, the frantic man, has just discovered they are not there & wants your help to find them. He is strangely attired in medieval like clothes.

CEDRIC a wise mechanical owl. Has an acting career on the side doing commercials.

ANT (short for Prince Antony of Shapier) A young hero recruited by Graham, although he's not very bright he has some impressive credentials. Has two cute little furry pets & likes to get around on his flying carpet.

Mia thinks that Graham is a 'spirit' from a different time zone as his presence makes her icy cold. Also a photo you have on your Games Consol shows a streak that you've identified as a time split. You thought that the time split was between 300 years
ago & the present time due to a glitch in chrissie's brain. This has now been re-booted. (If it hasn't helped a patch may be needed.) The times split now seems to only span 10 years. You are about to explore Mordack's castle to either look for another time split or find some documentation to help you find it's location in order to reunite Graham with his family.

Because of Becky's file hacking mentioned earlier with Logic Officer doing a mind meld & stepping in for him we don't know whether Mordack's still around & if not, who Full Metal Throttle performed to last night. Also, Mordack's evil brother Manannan may be around in the form of a black cat. So take care!

Oh, not to forget, there might be a drunken goose waddling around called Perry.

One last thing, if you have any technical problems please refer to Bernard's & Demosthenes' posts on page 30. Be sure that you do not have mad-aware installed on your PC or at least make sure it is well & truly disabled.

Have fun!

>

There surely must be a gift shop in the castle ? And a small black cat ?

I'd beware of any black cat in that castle Jenny, it might be Mordack's evil brother Manannan.

REM That's a fantastic summary chrissie.

I do have one correction to make, though. "Ocassus" is a remnant of a typo I made and didn't manage to correct until a week and a half ago. It's supposed to be "Occasus."

Yes, it's important. Really!!

REM Great summary, chrissie!

And I enjoyed Bernard's earlier links to Save Load and Quit.

Hi Frances! I've been re-reading these last posts and roaring with laughter. Poor Graham. What SHALL we do to him next?

Demosthenes -- the children's names are interesting. I'm wondering if they are related to Full Metal Throttle in some way we haven't discovered yet.

Thank you Demosthenes Sorted! & thank you Becky I'll add a few more of the bits & pieces here & there for the benefit of anyone else tempted to book themselves into this asylum!

REM Well, Becky, they're related to something in some way we haven't discovered yet.

It's probably not much longer until that particular cat is let out of its bag--whether I let it slip or someone else does. It's not exactly an easy puzzle, but all the necessary clues are in place now, and I've never known this community to let a puzzle stymie them for long.

will I get anywhere by googling?

Google will hand you one third of the answer on a silver platter, but the other two thirds are based on looser definitions and will probably require a more directed approach. If you rely entirely on Google, expect a lot of red herrings.

REM -- I'll have to look further than Wikipedia then.


Leave entrance hall and go to the stage in Mordack's castle.

You return to the scene of the recent performance. Officer Sock has disappeared, as have all of the plaid curtains. For the first time, you notice a small door in the back of the stage. On it is a sign with backwards lettering on it.

>Use silver compact with mirror on sign with backwards lettering.

The sign reads: “Exit to Backwards Gift shop.”

>Open door.

The door closes more tightly.

>Close door.

The door opens. You get down on hands and knees and crawl inside what seems to be a dumb waiter.

>Use dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter sits there. You hear a sound surprisingly like that of a wooden dumb waiter blowing a raspberry.

>Don’t use dumb waiter.

The dumbwaiter shoots upwards several stories, and dumps you out onto the floor of a tower room.

Near the top of the room are colorful stained glass windows. The west window reveals the image of knights jousting. The north window shows a white house in a field with a mail box. And the east window is an image of synchronized swimmers as shown from the angle at the bottom of a pool.

Under each of the windows are shelves and shelves of merchandise.

To the west are shelves of swords, armor, shields and lances. There’s also a poster showing a ragtag group of knights, some missing limbs, and a few missing their heads. At the bottom of the poster are the words: “Liverpool United: We put the Pun in Punishment.”

To the north are shelves of video games, topped by a sign that says: “Trade in your new games for used!”

To the east are shelves of all kinds of balls, skates, uniforms, bats, etc. There’s also a wide screen TV showing endless video replays of sporting events in slow motion, backwards.

In the room’s center, is a black cat wearing alligator-skin boots, a hat with a feather and an impish expression. “Let the games end,” says the cat.

>Talk to cat.

YOU STILL DON”T GET IT?

Well, I would say “don’t talk to cat,” but that’s not really ‘backwards.’ That’s ‘opposite.’”

>YOU’RE A PHILOSOPHER? OR WORSE -- AN ENGLISH MAJOR?

Don’t talk to cat.

“I am not searching for the family of King Graham of Daventry, O Ugly Canine,” you begin.

“The family of King Graham never lived here under a bell jar,” says the cat. “But an old family retainer did not come and rescue them. Do you not seek them in the past or in the future?”

“Um, either, eye-ther, neither nye-ther, let’s call the whole thing off,”

“Your persistence will not be rewarded,” says the cat. “They have lived unhappily for almost a decade while not keeping a tavern, which was not purchased for them by their unheroic butler Rhett. You can miss them at any time by not using this device.” He hands you a silver wire around a plastic pink mold shaped like the roof of a mouth.

INVENTORY ITEM ADDED -- ONE WIRE RETAINER.

>_

>Think! Where would you find a butler-like person named Ttehr. Just a minute, he's not talking backwards, he's talking opposites. Mmmm., names don't have opposites so he must mean the name he said 'Rhett' & ah ha! we met someone called that in the Ducks Head tavern.

No,no,no, this is far too easy, but wait just another minute! There was a beautiful lady called Rosie serving the drinks there. Graham's daughter is called Rosella, could they be one & the same you wonder. The only way to find out is to go back to the tavern but how? You will have to go back through the woods guarded by the Whizzers Peeper's (nasty birds with big beaks) & somehow get across that river again or perhaps there's another way.

>Examine wire retainer. It's a plastic pink mold shaped like the roof of a mouth.

>Recount cat's words "You can miss them at any time by not using this device"
Translation 'you cannot hit those at a specific non-time by using that device that isn't one'. It doesn't make sense.

>Put device in your mouth anyway.

Don't recognise 'anyway'

>Put device in your mouth

Where in mouth

>Put device in roof of mouth

Don't recognise noun 'mouth'

Big sigh

>Put device in roof

You don't see a roof

Aargh!

>Fit device in mouth

That's better

>

REM Just got back on line after internet probs, need to take time to digest current events: hopefully back tomorrow /REM

It doesn't fit.

"And that's a good thing, too," says the retainer. "Yuck! You're supposed to ask me for help, not swallow me!"

"Oh," you say, nonplussed. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" asks the retainer in a hurt voice. "You think just because I'm an inanimate object I don't have FEELINGS? You think 'sorry' is good enough?"

"Well, actually," you admit, "until five seconds ago I never considered the possibility a retainer would have feelings."

"Oh, of course," the retainer retorts. "You're walking around with an animated tin man, a noseless freak, a talking skunk, the slightly brain-dead captain of a starship, and three meddlesome witchspawn, and yet you're surprised to find a talking piece of plastic? In case you've forgotten, you don't even have a NAME." The retainer slowly lapses into embarassed silence as it realizes it has, perhaps, said too much. After a few moments have passed, the retainer starts speaking again, sounding slightly abashed.

"Look: as you can see i don't have much mobility on my own here, so about all I can give you is advice. But I do have some pretty handy magical abilities, and if you promise to take me along on your travels, I might even prove useful to you. Just...don't go trying to eat me again, okay?"

"Agreed."

>Ask retainer for advice

You hear a whirring noise as the retainer kicks its prognostication charm into overdrive. After a while a small scrap of paper flutters to the ground. It looks like it belongs in a fortune cookie.

>Read fortune

The fortune says: "Do not use while operating heavy machinery."

>Argh.

I don't understand "Argh."

>Ask retainer what we should do next.

Another fortune appears. It reads: "Oz helps those who help themselves."

>Are all his fortunes this obtuse?

Read the whole fortune, dummy.

>Turn fortune over

The other side of the fortune reads: "Your lucky numbers are: YOU'RE STANDING IN A ROOM FULL OF STUFF. SEARCH FOR SOMETHING USEFUL ALREADY. AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE SPEAKING IN OPPOSITES ANYMORE? 31 41 59 26 53 59

>I was getting confused. And search the room, darnit.

Your search eventually turns up a kite, a wig, three lima beans, a dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil, and the intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.

>There's no such thing.

Pardon?

>There's no such thing as an "intercostal clavicle."

Well, there's no such thing as a "brontosaurus," either, so that's all right then, in't it.

>"No it isn't alright" you say "if there's no such thing as a brontosaurus how do you explain this?"
>Show parser Games consol with internet connection enabled.

YouTube - Tribute to Brontosaurus (Apatosaurus)

The parser is uncharacteristically speechless.

>"Well!" you say " AND, did you spot anything that you could describe as an intercostal clavicle?"

"Okay, okay" the parser replies "No need to be so smug, maybe the clavicle thing here is one of their musical instruments with a bit missing".

Just at this point The Retainer butts in

>

"That thing is a clavicle, not a clavichord," says The Retainer. "Might I suggest two things to do with it? You could ask Baby about it. Or you could put it in the Speculator for speculations about it."

>Who is Baby?

The parser drums its fingers.

>Where is Baby?

>The parser chews its fingernails.

>Do not show me Baby.

The cat in the middle of the room sweeps off its hat and bows to you. "I am not Baby," he says. "And I do not agree with The Retainer. You should not put the intercostal clavicle in The Speculator."

Now more confused than ever, you gather up your inventory, including The Retainer and the intercostal clavicle, and back towards the dumb waiter.

>Close door.

The door opens. You crawl back inside.

>Do not use dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter descends rapidly. It pauses momentarily at the level where your friends are, and then drops straight down into the cellar.

>Close door.

The door opens and you crawl out into the cellar. You sigh with relief to see that nothng seems backswards here.

The space is immaculately clean. In the center of the room is what appears to be a dentist's chair, with drill bits on a tray by the chair and the drill, along with a bright light, suspended above the chair. Next to the chair is a table with lab equipment, including tubes and jars. The lab equipment is a jumbled mess, unlike the rest of the room.

>Talk to The Retainer.

"What is this?" you ask The Retainer.

"This castle used to belong to a dentist," says The Retainer, "Hence the gate shaped like teeth, the bridge like a tongue, etc. Mordack captured King Graham's family while they were here for their semi-annual appointments, shrank them and stored them in that bell jar over on the table. Then Mordack, err, transformed the dentist and took over the castle for his own nefarious purposes."

"Where's the dentist now?" you ask.

The Retainer suddenly warms in your hand. You almost could swear that, for a moment, it blushed. "Perhaps when we're a little better acquainted, I'll tell you that," it says. "Now instruct the dumb waiter to take you back to the stage where your friends are, and let's see if the Speculator can help."

>Close dumb waiter door.

Raspberry sound. What now?

>Close smart waiter door.

The door opens.

>Do not return to stage level.

The dumb waiter rises smartly up to the middle level and spills you out on the stage. There are your friends, plus the child-like witch's spawn, who are now romping on the stage, doing a Conga-like dance routine and singing "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes!"

>_

ENTER Macbeth, pursued by a bear.

>You know, on second thought, I wish you had deleted Shakespeare.

Macbeth pelts towards you, obviously out of both breath and shape. He appears to be wearing a fur coat, despite the heat, and is holding a large leg of mutton.

Your observations are hurried because behind Macbeth runs a very large, very angry bear.

>I'm confused. Which one's the "something wicked?" Is it Macbeth, or the bear?

Both? Neither? You'd better do something soon, before you get run over.

>Sidestep Macbeth

You step aside and watch in grim fascination as Macbeth and the bear charge past. Moments later, they vanish in a sudden flash of light.

>What was that all about?

I'm not sure.

>YOU can't be sure? How is that even possible?

Program parameters do not allow for violations of the law of conservation of energy.

"What the parser means to say," explains Cassie, "is that what just happened shouldn't be possible."

>I'm still not getting it.

Mia looks worried.

"It's...hard to explain."

For once, Dirk steps forward with an idea of his own. "Can you give me a moment to contact the Bentbutflies? I've seen this sort of thing before. Maybe I can get Commander Sock to run a few scans." Seeing your nod of assent, he starts keying some sort of code into his personal communications device.

>Ask Dirk about theory.

Dirk looks raises an eyebrow at your impatience. "Wait a second, alright? I'm still scanning subspace frequencies."

>Wait

You wait for 1 minute.

>Ask Dirk about--

"--Hold your horses, would ya?"

>Wait

You wait for 1 minute. Eerily, you hear Officer Sock's voice.

"Yes Captain?"

"Sock? How'd you get back onboard?"

"I ran very quickly, Captain. Is this a courtesy call, or did you have business you wished to discuss?"

"Officer Sock, please scan the area for spatial anomalies and report."

"Preliminary analysis reveals traces of a small spatial disturbance about 50 meters to your north, and another about 10 meters to the south."

"What is the nature of the disturbance?"

"They appear to be the remnants of a collapsed pair of unstable interdimensional portals"

"Your analysis?"

"I would speculate that whatever came through that portal is not of this universe."

Dirk grins smugly at you.

>Okay, so Macbeth and the bear came from another dimension. So what?

Dirk's grin slides a bit. "I, uh, hadn't thought it through that far."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" shouts Mia absurdly as she stomps down from the stage. "Give me that!" she commands, grabbing the PDC from Dirk. "Mr. Sack?! Pointy-ears guy! Hello?"

Sock's confused voice buzzes in over the intercom.

"Captain, who is this child, and why is she calling me Mr. Sack?"

"That's Mia," Dirk shrugs. "Just answer her questions, okay? At the moment I don't know what sort of powers she has, and I'd rather not find out."

"Very well, Captain. Proceed."

"Mr. Sack," starts Mia again, "how much power would you need to make a hole like that?"

"I don't believe "hole" is an apt analogy, Miss...Mia. The disturbance is a cla--"

"--Just tell me how much power it would take."

"Incalculable. The energies involved are immense, and would depend upon information I do not currently have at my disposal."

"Guess, then."

"I do not guess. I would, however, give an estimate of approximately 1.21 gigawatts."

"What, that's it?" There's a momentary pause before Sock responds.

"My calculations are accurate to within one tenth of--"

"--Oh shut up already. What's the closest object capable of outputting 1.21 gigawatts of energy?"

"This planet's technology is largely inferior. Scans indicate only two power sources on the planet's surface capable of such a feat. Both are located somewhere in the Emerald City, measure just under a foot long, and are composed of a thin layer of silver paint and large quantities of balsa wood. Central to each of the devices is a large core of lead."

"Solid or hollow?"

"Unknown. Our sensors cannot penetrate lead. Budgetary restraints, I believe." Mia hands the communicator back to Dirk, then nods towards you.

"Convinced yet?"

You massage your temples in an attempt to get your brain running fast enough to keep up. "You're saying the portals were created using the silver slippers? But why? What would be the point of launching a bear at me?" You pause for a moment as you realize that there's only one sensible answer to your question. "All right then," you continue, "different question. Why would the Whizzer want me killed?"

Cassie shakes her head. "We don't know for certain it's the Whizzer. We don't know what's happening back at the Emerald City right now. And we don't know whether this was deliberate. Interdimensional transport isn't easy to control, and it can have unintended side effects. For all we know the perpetrator was trying to toss Macbeth off a cliff."

Mal, who has been silent through all of this, finally speaks up. "Or they may be practicing. This time may not have been intentional...but the next one might be." Your party observes a few moments of silence as the various implications of what has occurred finally start to sink in. After a while your thoughts turn to more immediate matters.

"Well," you say, "there's not much use worrying about that until we've gotten out of here. I guess we'd better go find the Speculator." Disturbed but finally moving, you lead the rest of your party back towards the exit, in the direction of the Speculator.

Behind you you hear Dirk drag Mia aside for a quiet discussion. "In the future," he scolds her, "I believe he'd prefer it if you refer to him as Officer Sock"

"Oh, I knew that," says Mia. "He just sounds so stuffy..." The rest of their conversation is drowned out by a loud, repetitive beeping coming from your inventory.

>Examine beeping

You dig out the beeping item, which turns out to be the Games Console. Its screen winks out momentarily before returning, displaying a strange error message.

>Read Message

The message reads: "WARNING: Firewall has detected hostile incoming transmissions. To protect the system, the firewall has blocked internet access until further notice."

"Great," says the Retainer, "NOW what am I supposed to do for entertainment around here?"

>Go east. You reach the alcove with The Speculator.

>Insert the intercostal clavicle into the hole. The clipped tones of the female voice emanate from the intercom again.
"Congratulations. you have found the intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.." Just as the parser is about to say 'na na, I told you so' the voice continues "but there really is no such thing".

At that your monitor screen goes blank. The parser, in a sulk, has decided not to play anymore.
You drum your fingers on your desk. Time passes.........

Your monitor screen lights up again. The parser has had time to philosophize on games, time, the universe & the point of it's very existance. It knows in a few years job opportunities will gradually become scarcer as competition comes from new, younger & more efficient breeds. Mice followed by Gamepads, Joy Sticks & Steering Wheels.
Besides, it just can't keep it's mouth shut.

>Press enter. The game continues. The voice carries on "legend has it that it was discovered by the eminent archaeologist named Carolina Jones (he never forgave his father Sean for that). He was on vacation in a sleepy little town called Clacton on the east shores of Great Britain at the time.

Subsequent tests on it identified it as a hybrid of a dinosaur's rib & collar bone. The DNA undisputedly matched that of a brontosaurus.

Carolina donated it to The British Museum, but it was later stolen by a debonair French thief, it's whereabouts unknown up until now.

It's thought that the bone can generate holographic images so use with caution. You don't want to be talking to someone who's not there somewhere you're not, do you."

>Take intercostal clavicle from hole.

"Thank you for using The Speculator & have a nice day" the voice says before the intercom goes dead.

>Go West

>Exit castle. Your troupe of friends are now standing outside.
Graham comes running towards you "Have you found any clues?"

You translate what Baby told you earlier about his family.
There's no need to mention the incident with Macbeth & the bear, the theory about the silver slippers or the prognosis on the intercostal clavicle just yet.

"We must go to this tavern at once" Graham cries. "But how?" you ask. Graham clicks his fingers & Ant appears from the distance flying towards you on his carpet. On reaching you he stops & hovers just above. You can just make out a label stuck to the underside.
>Examine label.
'2 reclining or
1 reclining, 1 seated, 1 standing or
5 seated or
4 seated, 2 standing or
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera or
10 standing
WARNING: DO NOT EXCEED LIMIT!'

"You're surely not expecting us to go on that" you say to Graham "it looks very dodgy to me, how will we keep from falling off & there's not enough room for us all anyway"
"Aah" says Graham "according to 'Which' magazine it is one of the safest forms of transport there is with a 0% accident rate. You can't fall off in flight because as soon as it takes to the air it generates a centripetal force.."

"A centriwhat?" you interrupt "oh never mind, how is it steered?"
"Ant steers it with his mind" Graham replies & seeing the astonishment on your face continues "apart from a little he uses for battle tactics he has a lot of capacity to devote to the task".

A little reassured by Graham you decide to trust the carpet but wonder how it can carry all 11 of you. Ant lowers the carpet & stands up, his two pets are perched one on each of his shoulders. Dirk on realising the literal meaning of the label suddenly picks up Michael, slings him over his shoulder in a fireman's lift & steps onto the carpet. Everyone else now follows. To accommodate Nero Beambar's large feet, Pepe has to stand on one of them & Cassie stands on the other.

The carpet rises & you start to feel a force causing you all to lean towards the centre of the carpet & each other. You sigh with relief as there seems no way you can fall off. The carpet now fully airborne turns & speeds over slugs & snails & puppydog tails (i.e. hills & dales) until it reaches the tavern. Ant gently lowers the carpet, you all step off & Dirk gently sets Michael down onto his feet.

You are now standing outside The Ducks Head.

>

REM Giggle.

P.S. Although the above is completely innocuous, the comic is from xkcd, a webcomic which "occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children.)"

In other words, don't go exploring the rest of that site if you're likely to get offended by strong language.

REM Thanks for the entertaining link Demosthenes! I was hoping no-one would pick up on Newton's Law otherwise I would have mentioned the blooming daisy woven into the centre of the carpet . I should have known better! END REM

Enter The Duck's Head.

You once again enter the Duck's Head, and are astonished to see Perry, his head wobbling drunkenly, as he sits at the bar and nurses a beer. Curious. Maybe he was so far in the rear that he somehow got out ahead of you?

Rosie is behind the bar, keeping an eye on Perry as you all file inside. She looks up as King Graham enters.

"FATHER!" she shrieks.

King Graham vaults over the bar (he's obviously still in shape, even at his age) and embraces his daughter. "Where's your mother and Alexander?" Graham demands. There's a slight cough from behind you. You turn to see Rhett, beaming smugly.

"I owe you a debt of thanks," says King Graham, leaping back over the bar to face Rhett. “How did you manage to rescue my family?”

“Just doing my duty, sir,” says Rhett modestly. “I accompanied your family when they went to their appointment, and was chatting upstairs with Baby, when I felt a wave of magical power rising out of the cellar.

"I rode the dumb waiter down to the cellar, surprised Mordack as he was placing your family in the bell jar, and distracted him long enough to pack him into the dumb waiter," Rhett continues. "Once upstairs, Baby was able to trick him into wearing an object in the Backwards Shop that looked like a crown but was actually, err, the opposite. Mordack, finally recognizing the implications of the object that he was wearing, left the castle to hide the source of his shame. He did subsequently return to the castle and take up residence there, though he kept himself hidden behind the scenes.”

Rhett gestures in your direction. “You will be very familiar with the object Mordack was forced to wear.”

“But this 'crown' I'm wearing belonged to a lion who was King of the Forest before me,” you stutter. “How did he get it from Mordack?”

“Perhaps the lion was Mordack in disguise? He’s an expert at transformation,” says Rhett. “It might be worth tracking him down to find out.”

“No, no, not necessary,” you say guiltily.

“I would like to reward Rhett handsomely,” says King Graham, slapping Rhett enthusiastically on the back. “But I have nothing at the moment to give him.”

“I seem to have plenty of objects that might qualify as a reward,” you say modestly.

>INV

Empty oilcan
Latin-English dictionary
Empty clay jug
Handheld AG consol with (now blocked) internet access & camera
Crowbar with corrupt emerald attached (has powers that can be wielded by Mia but needs to be used with a 2nd compatible emerald to be used properly)
Axtec-like statue of young woman with one emerald eye missing
Handbag full of rancid butter.
Magnifying glass
Tape measure
Silver compact with mirror, powder & pad
Tripod
Red worn down lipstick
Orange feather boa
Orange satin gloves
Hero's knife
Graham's ivory horn (blow through this to call him when he's not around)
Rain cheque & rattle (wetten the cheque & rattle the rattle to make sound of clinking gold to call dwarves for ride to Glinda's)
Wire Retainer with serious powers
Kite
Wig
Three lima beans
Dusty bottle containing a small amount of olive oil
Intercostal clavicle of a brontosaurus.

>Offer inventory item to Rhett.

“Take whatever you would like!” you tell Rhett. “In fact, take two items. I seem to have a lot of them.”

Rhett ponders the collection. “Tsk, tsk,” he says. “There are riches here, the depths of which you have yet to fully comprehend. I will take what you recommend.”

PARSER INTERRUPTION: TRY NOT TO MAKE A MISTAKE HERE. I DON’T WANT TO RISK LOOKING AT THE WALKTHROUGH AGAIN.

>Recommend Latin-English dictionary.

“Very well,” says Rhett. He takes the dictionary and tears out two pages. From his coat pocket he removes a red pen and circles a word on each page. “But I’ll leave these two pages with you,” he says.

>Read pages.

“Occasus : setting (of the sun, etc)/ the west / fall, destruction.”
“Maleficus: wicked, accursed, evil.”

“What else would you like to recommend?” says Rhett.

>_

>Recommend ivory horn. "If the King doesn't mind me passing this on to you" you say "I think it would be a most fitting reward now that he no longer needs our help". Rhett looks at the King expectantly who smiles & nods in approval.

>Give ivory horn to Rhett.

Just at that point you hear the sound of a horse & cart draw up outside the tavern. A few minutes later a tall, attractive & very elegant lady of mature years enters the room followed by the most handsome young man you've ever set eyes on. He is carrying a couple of large grocery bags.

Valenice & Alexander stop awestruck for a few seconds while they take in the scene in the room. "Oh, Graham" Valenice suddenly cries as she rushes towards him "it's been so long". The couple embrace & kiss & ..(hey! cool it!) Alexander by then has dropped the groceries, Graham turns to look at him, lets go of his wife & goes to shake his hand but decides to hug him instead "it's so good to see you son" he says patting him on his back. "You too father, you too" Alexander replies.

Graham turns towards you & says "I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, you've found my family & rewarded Rhett handsomely on my behalf from your own pocket. I would like to do something for you. After my family, there is only one other 'person' precious to me, he could help you in many ways so I would like to offer you his companionship on your future quests" Just then there is a tapping at the door.

>Open door. Cedric flies in, perches on your shoulder & addressing you says "At your service"

Rosie now turns to you & says "I have something for you too, please follow me" She bends to pick up the grocery bags & walks towards a door behind the back of the bar, gesturing to Perry, who falls of his stool, & starts wobblingly waddling behind her. They both go through the door.
>Walk to bar door. Cedric tactfully alights from your shoulder.
>Open bar door.

You find yourself in a large cluttered kitchen. In the centre is a huge wooden table & there are several matching chairs scattered about. Rosie busies herself unpacking the groceries.
Meanwhile your attention is drawn to Perry who is huffing & puffing.

>Look at Perry. All of a sudden Perry starts to grow & then slowly transform into a short, rotund, white haired lady. She has a kind, jolly face if somewhat red. She staggers a bit then plops down heavily into a chair & says "I yam, I ham 'Hic' 'a fairwee oddmutha gooz 'Hic'"

Rosie hands Perry a strong black coffee & a sugar sandwich, which she/he quickly consumes. A few moments later Perry says "Ah, that's better, but I don't have much time before I'm at risk of being located by wicked wizards & witches. They can't do it while I'm a goose with copious amounts of beer in my bloodstream" & then adds indignantly "well,that's my excuse & I'm sticking to it!"

On seeing your puzzled face Perry then says "Ah, you're wondering about me being a she when I'm a he as a goose. It just attracts far less attention, that's all.

Now, quickly as I only have a few minutes left, I have been keeping a blurry eye on you & know you & your friends are seeking the Bistro á L'Aztec & a few other things.

The Whizzer would have granted you your wishes but would not have returned the silver slippers to you & it seems now he has worked out how to wield some of their power. He is not interested in harming you, only the children as he realised on sending them to help you subdue Nero Beambar they would find out about the slippers.

You must beware of those children, they mean you no harm either but will not hesitate to hurt you if you get in the way of their plans. They have lied to you & are using you for their own nefarious purposes, but your greatest danger is in inadvertantly getting caught in the crossfire between opposing forces. I must...."

"Oh wait" you say quickly "Is King Graham a spirit?"
"No" Perry replies. "Mia reacted to the timesplit point not Graham. He exists in our virtual present. I now must bid you farewell & safe journey & ask you not to mention anything about me to ANYONE!"

Just at that moment you hear the door creak open & see Mal pop his head round. Panicking you turn to look at the Fairy Godmother only to see Rosie handing a large glass of beer to a large goose squatting on the chair. As he takes the glass he gives you a surrepstitious wink.

"Will we be on our way to Glinda's now?" Mal inquires "Yes Mal" you say as you & Rosie exit the kitchen to join everyone else. As you say your goodbyes you notice Dirk glance lovingly at Rosie who's attention has now been caught by the strong, muscular & handsome Prince of Shapier. To her dismay he seems to be more enraptured by her brother Alexander.

>Exit tavern. You find yourself standing outside with Pépé Le Pew, Lord O'Scars, Michael, Nero Beambar, Dirk, Mia, Cassie, Mal & your new companion Cedric who is again perched on your shoulder.

>

REM Yay chrissie!

Why oh why are happy family reunions so hard to write? We need a choir singing and a credits sequence where all the animators who used to work for Disney and are now making games can watch their names roll down the screen.

I hope Glinda gives us some entertainingly wicked challenges.

REM Thank you Becky! I agree it's a hard thing to write & glad it didn't come across too badly without the trappings of a grand finale! I thought maybe I could have made a little bit more of it but, as we all know by now, you just write down what you think is a few short scenarios only to submit & be confronted with your enormously long post!

I really enjoy contributing to this thread & just want to say how much I love & am inspired by everyone else's ideas.

So onto 'somewhere wicked we go'! END REM