Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
PAULA POUNDSTONE
`````````````````````````````````````````
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
````````````````````````
Top Ten Signs You are Addicted to the InternetYou kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
``````````````````````````
Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During SurgeryThings you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
```````````````````````````
Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid PersonA few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
```````````````````````````
Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."
9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."
8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."
7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."
6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"
5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."
4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."
3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"
2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."
1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."
```````````````````````````````
Top 10 Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline10. "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow"
9. "Do you make one for rain?"
8. "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?"
7. "Can you use it to make sno-cones?"
6. "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?"
5. "Can I use it to make cole slaw?"
4. "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?"
3. "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?"
2. "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to Mars?"
1. Can I mulch leaves with it?
``````````````````````````
Top 10 Al Roker Explanations For Why It's So Cold"10. "An area of low pressure, which is formed in eastern Canada, moved quickly southeast... oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea what I'm talking about"
9. "You didn't hear it from me, but earth has spun out of orbit and is hurdling away from the sun"
8. "With a Kuchinich Presidency still a slight possibility, hell is beginning to freeze over"
7. "Who cares about the weather -- "Don't I look great?""
6. "The Gods are angry about that Britney Spears marriage"
5. "Someone must have left the Ed Sullivan Theater doors open"
4. "If I actually knew, don't you think I'd be doing something about it"
3. "Let's just say it's gonna stay cold 'till I get a raise"
2. "Don't know, but we could figure it out over a warm snuggle by a roaring fire at my place"
1. "It's January, you pantywaists -- get over it!!"
````````````````````````````````
Top 10 Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it
``````````````````````````
Top 10 Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"
9. "It can only make left turns"
8. "Ambulances follow you around"
7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""
6. "It has the same battery as your watch"
5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""
4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""
3. "Blue book value: $38.75"
2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"
1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"
```````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It was a cold dark damp day here today.
It might have been yesterday, if you are reading this tomorrow.
My two days off are supposed to be rainy too, so I may not be doing much. Not outdoors anyway.
I hope it rains 10 inches.
I've gotta go now though. My eyeballs keep rolling back in my head, making it difficult to read what I'm writing, and my bladder fluid has reached the spillway. The flood gates must be opened.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a magnificent Monday!
Have an easy peasy day!
