Six Degrees of Separation
The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it!
—Mindy Kaling
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Believe Me, I Would if I Could.
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I
removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
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For My Next Impression…
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me.
“Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said.
“Hi, Eddie,” she replied.
“So you do remember me?” I asked.
“Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”
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Planedemonium
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
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IT’S CLASSIFIED
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Source: 11points.com
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The Scale of The Situation
We were stocking up on
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
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Department of Manic Voices
The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the
window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?”
She shook her head. “We call it job security.”
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That's Not How it Works, Dad.
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
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Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
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Our Office Needs a 3D Printer
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of
an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
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Shane. My Office. Now.
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:
“Shane, stop putting Some
Assembly Required stickers on
the eight-piece chickens.”
“Shane, any free samples you
give must come from the deli, not electronics.”
“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to
Albertsons.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Merry Christmas Eve to all.
I work early, and get off early today, which is good because I'm a last minute wisher. As soon as I'm off I've gotta rush home and finish my wish list and get it emailed to Santa before the 6:00pm deadline.
Speaking of deadlines, mine is fast approaching for being in bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
