The Obituary of Martin Levine
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”
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Head to the Dentist
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.
“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”
His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”
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Put-Downs Down Under
A Briton flies into Australia
and is asked by the immigration
officer, “Do you have any felony
convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
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A Road Racket
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.
“It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”
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G-d Hates B.S.
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
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"You Need a Shorter Password."
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,”
I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
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More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders
We’ve been over this before:
Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these
job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into
the building.
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Virginal Word Choice
The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.”
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Bad Soldier Mistakes
It’s important that soldiers
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from
past gaffes:
• “I was cold” is not a sufficient
reason for being caught in the female barracks.
• Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
• Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone.
• Do not attempt to shave with fire.
• Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks
so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection.
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spel chekers
On Facebook, the English
language has few friends.
Three examples:
Post: I can’t stand people
that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb.
Response: Their, their, calm down.
Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days?
Response: I just have a normal house.
Post: I do not have patients for stupid today.
Response: Patience.
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Toddler Wisdom
Events had left my son-in-
law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our
two-year-old grandson was nearby
to dispense words of wisdom.
“Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes
batteries die and toys break.”
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What Does DUMB Stand For?
While serving jury duty,
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one
point, he picked up a piece of
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see
an acronym on this receipt. What
would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
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One Way To Foil Fridge Thieves
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and
go straight to the signature:
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”
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Vitamin D(imwit)
Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.
Coworker #2: What’s that?
Coworker #1: Vitamin D.
Coworker #2: Why do you take that?
Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.
Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?
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Good morning Boomers.
Merry Christmas and God Bless You All.
joe
acebook
witter
Merry Christmas Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula, Lex, and everyone! Lovely decorations MaG! 
Lots of fresh baked Christmas cookies to share! 
Jesus! I hope you all have a wonderful day today and all through the holiday season. 
