Don’t Mess With Grandma
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
—Rita Rudner
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Bad Soup
The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress.
“This soup is awful,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”
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Family Loopholes
To get my cousin to write to
her even once, my aunt resorted to
sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him.
“I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained.
“I didn’t cash the check, I deposited it."
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10-Pin Puns
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
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Barbershop Blunders
The barbershop was crowded,
so the woman at the cash register
offered to put my name on the
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”
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Behind The Newsprint
Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest:
• News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.”
• Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’”
• Producer: “Free food in the
newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then
you inform others.”
Source: overheardinthenewsroom.com
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No Emergency Exits, Thanks
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
Col. David Jessop (Ret.),
Rineyville, Kentucky
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Store Hours Are Never
Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
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Fools Brush In
“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked.
“It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager.
“Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager.
“Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager.
“Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager.
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My New Power
I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.”
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Did You Feel It?
I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast.
Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York
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King Soloman Jr.
We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
Evelyn Wieland, Bay City, Michigan
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Jimmy Fallon Asked For Embarrassing Texts From Moms…
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo
On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
@stefaniLegs
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Fast Friends
My husband was driving
home from work when he was
pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop.
“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a
different way home from work.”
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What's a Hipster?
“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I really should be in bed about now, but my son called and we talked for over an hour, so I'm late.
It was a great day here. I had the front door propped open most of the day.
The day started kinda cloudy for me though. My little dog came crawling out from under the covers before sunrise, and I figured she was ready to go out, so I started getting up before I wanted too, but as I was putting my socks on, I look over at her and she was indeed very ready to go, and I think she took her que from Merlin and peed on my bed.
I had to strip the bed right there and start doing laundry at 7:00 am.
On the bright side, I made contact with a buddy from my hometown, and my college days, whom I haven't talked to in over 10 years.
Another old friend that I had lost contact with, and who had introduced me to the other friend, tracked me down and called me a couple of weeks ago. He called me again this morning to wish me Merry Christmas, and he gave me the other friend's phone number.
I called him and we talked for quite a while.
Anyway I looked at my schedule today, and two of us were scheduled to come in at 1:00 in the afternoon with no one else working in our department all day, so I texted my manager and asked him if I should open instead. He said yes so I go in at 6:00.
Now I need to be in bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have an easy peasy day!
