I Gave My Father $100…

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

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Big Changes in Appleton

A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”

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I’m on The Eraser Diet!

When I stepped on the scale at 
my doctor’s office, I was surprised 
to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off 
that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s 
aide as she made a notation on 
my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”

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An Elevator Romance

I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s 
a cute guy standing here.” Before 
I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”

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Testimony Taken Down by Me, 
a Court Reporter:

Question: Now, to the best of 
your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop?

Answer: I hope so.

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There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These:

• I work in IT. A customer asked 
me if a string of numbers I’d read off was upper- or lowercase.

• Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool.

• A few of the things customers 
have asked for at our art-supply 
store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.

• I’m a butcher. A woman asked 
if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.

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Honor Among Thieves

A mother complained to my wife, 
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.

“It’s not the money—it’s the 
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

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“Brought to You by the Division of Vague Announcements”

Heard over the plant’s paging 
system: “Will John Porter please 
return to where you were before you went where you are.”

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A Home Affair

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.

“Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”

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Part-Time Work

Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store.

Clerk: What do you do for a living?

Man: I’m a tree trimmer.

Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?

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How to Deal With an Errant Bosom

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: 
A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers 
in the library.”

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Smoke ’em if You Got ’em

When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.

Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older 
sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”

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Good morning everyboomie.


I am late for a very important date.


I had to go to an optometrist after work and get my eyes tested.


They are no smarter that they were the last time I had them tested.


I guess I need to read more.


Anyway I should already be in bed so....


Have a happy day everyone. rah rah


joe

Thanks Joe.

everyone!

Did you feel the earthquake Joe? Good luck on the eye test!

MaG,

Have a happy day all!

Ana

Have a great Wednesday Joe, MaG, Ana and all who follow.

It's Tuesday night here, and I'm off to sleep for another work day. Only two days to go until my three day weekend.

Have a terrific day, everyone.

Have a great Wednesday Boomers.

Good Morning Joe, MaG, Ana, venus, SpaceQ and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready to start your day! Have a stress free day!

Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Super Hump Day. I'm going to the Casino in Tampa with Robert and Chuck. Danish, French Toast, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC.

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Ana, happy day wishes to you!

MaG, enjoy whatever plans you have for the day!

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

Space good day wishes.

Venus, hope your work goes quickly.

Connie, enjoy the casino.

A very icy morning here. Guess all our warmer weather is gone. Wishing everyone a super duper Hump Day!

Good Morning Boomers

Danish, French Toast, and Bacon Sandwiches and coffee to go please

I'm hitting the road with son and grand sons to spend New Year's at Mom's

Will drop a line when I can about the great Western Adventure

L4L and the buddy boys will enjoy peace and quiet

Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and have a Happy Hump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Looking forward to starting the long weekend tomorrow! Woohoo!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

Joe at least your eyes didn't loose anything. Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

MaG!! Have a lovely day!

Ana hope the ice is melting and you have a lovely day!

Space have a lovely day!

venus enjoy your long weekend!! Have a lovely day!

Soot sending the Band around you as you are traveling for a safe trip!! Have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Oh Connie.....Have loads of fun!! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Gail hot it is warming enough to get rid of any ice. Be safe and have a lovely day!

Darlene may work go smoothly and you have a lovely day!


Nan

Soooooooooo sleeeeeeeeeeeeepy, tirrrrrrrrrrrred this morning and I must get some groceries - will I make it -must accomplish -sounds like robbie robot. Must get groceries for our annual family bonfire accompanied with fireworks, hot dogs and marshmallows and this year I'll have sliced chicken breast sandwiches and a huge salad for us vegetarians(2). Family won't know the chicken is really for my cat, Commander Buttons, but he's really generous and will share. As he has no choice. This will happen tomorrow night, weather permitting. Last year we cancelled, due to rain. Tomorrow morning, I'll be, with haste, cleaning --Curses-- but maybe, "Why Bother" thing. That sure is useful. Thanks L4L.

Also L4L, enjoy some time off these few days. Happy New-------

This posting kinda woke me up. The problem is I've been retiring late and getting up late and function better if I do the opposit -that would be a good resolution.

Gosh 2016 -Happy day all

Did ya ever have one of those mornings when you just knew something big was going to happen? I have that now. Dunno why but things just seem 'frantic' somehow.

Got back from the airport at 1 am this morning. My friend's plane was supposed to come in from Indiana at 11pm. You know how that goes with weather and cancellations. So I watch the computer tracker and eventually the plane says it's landing at 12 pm. I drive to the airport 1/2 hour away. Pitch dark, not much traffic, but I haven't been there in 10 years or more and don't know all the changes of exits, etc. Finally get there, see a long line of stopped traffic in the far right lane and decide that it's the place I want to be for curbside pick up. For some strange reason, they don't MARK the areas to go, don't have flashing lights, or traffic directors. Just 3 exits off the main road all leading into ONE area, which then has 4 lanes of traffic. Some go to the parking areas, some to the curb. Curbside drop-off area only holds about 5-7 cars. No actual parking, just pull up and then pull out into the 4 lanes again. Not a good system but it seems to work. It wasn't busy at all last night. I wonder what happens when it's the middle of the day and everyone is coming and going? Horrible.

So finally after 30 minutes in a stopped line of cars that has moved all of 5 car lengths since I got in it, I make it to the curb and thank goodness, my friend was waiting. He hopped in and away we went, no problem. Except of course, the 4 lanes became 2 straight, 1 left and 1 right with very little 'time' to read the long list of WHERE the heck they lead to. Not a good system for those of us who don't know exactly where we want to be.

Missed the turn-off to get back to the freeway and ended up on a scenic tour of the heart of San Diego's waterfront. Nice but not at 12:30 am. Ugh. Luckily, we found the right street for the freeway entrance and made it home easily. They need more SIGNS! AND with LESS verbage on them. I'm going to write a note to the port authority and tell them what I think would be good. No wonder people get lost, have accidents, etc. I was trying to read all the signs and found that the right lanes, are not always the exit lanes and when you do exit one place, you have to CROSS several lanes of traffic to get to the other side of the huge road for another quick turn. If you miss all that, you are out of luck. I wonder how it works for other people?

In any case, that was my 'start' of this weird feeling. Then this morning of course I woke up late due to the late bed time. Then I saw the mailman delivering MY mail at 8:30 am. Unheard of! He is usually here about 10. Dunno why the early delivery.

THEN I'm out getting the mail and two girls are walking up my sidewalk with a very lovely happy friendly golden retriever. They wanted to know if I knew who it belonged to. They had been driving up the street and poor doggie was just running around in circles in the road. So thankfully, one got out and grabbed the dog (who is the happiest, friendliest, dog I've ever seen). We have a load of dogs around here. This one I don't recognize. Have no idea, BUT it's on a 4 foot nylon leash attached to a matching collar. No tags, nothing. The leash looks like it's been dragging in the dirt for awhile and I'm wondering if someone 'older' perhaps that walks their dog early in the morning might have had an accident. Dunno why it's on leash and wandering. Nice dog and I'm not even a dog person. The girls have 2 dogs themselves so they knew how to handle her.

So I advised the girls (who live just around the corner), to let the dog 'lead' them. So one drove home and the other is walking. Hope they find the owner. I advised calling Animal Control if they don't find the owner. Hope this doggie has a chip. Too pretty and well cared for to be wandering. Maybe it fell or jumped out of a car/truck. Seems uninjured. Just weird and makes me feel weird.

I know this is going to be a strange day. Just have that 'feeling' I get when something BIG is going to happen. Hope I'm wrong.

Wonderful Wednesday ya'll

We had a fast and furious morning. Hubby, son, and g'sons were taking off for NE. The Per is sick, so that complicated things a bit. They left in the rain. Thanks, Nan, for the band.

Anyway, they all got off with only one trip back home for a forgotten item.

Sorta, send the doggie to me. Just don't tell son.

I'm off to find food. Haven't had time to eat yet.

Good afternoon Boomers.

Good afternoon Space and all! Are you off for the week now SpaceQ?

No Ana I have to go in for one more day.

No, Sorta, not to L4L ---to me!!!!! Just thinkin that I sure miss my doggie -she had addisons disease. Hope they found his home.

Well, beddy by now as I still feel awlful.

Afternoon, Space

Yankee, hope you feel better soon <hugs>

Hi looney

Whatcha up to, Space?

edit: Okay time to move ops to the bedroom. Sweet dreams all :sleep:

Reading and thinking about heading towards my pillow.

Good night, everyone.

Good night Boomers.