Roe v. Wade
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
—Stephen Colbert
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The Saddest Story I Know
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”
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Who Taught You That?
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means
carrying a child.”
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“I Was Only Breaking the Law a Little!”
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.”
“Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!
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The Magic Penny
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”
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Coversation With A Customer-Service Representative:
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause … ]
OK … [huff … puff] I have it. It says … Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
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Overheard At A Zumba Class…
First woman: Look at me—I have
a muffin top.
Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin!
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When A Family Friend Passed Away…
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
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Teenage Wisdom
I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.
“How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked.
“I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook
anymore.”
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Wanted: Human Torch
Who wouldn’t be inspired
to hire this young man? If his
cover letter is to be believed, he’s
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague:
“I am a
motivated, self-igniting person.”
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State of Confusion
Scene: The office
Me: We have to submit a form to
every state.
Coworker: All 51?
Me: Fifty-one?
Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good
at geometry.
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Don’t Even Ask About Condiments…
Scene: office cafeteria line
Friend: May I have pepper and salt?
(Counter guy looks confused.)
Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt?
(Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.)
Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt …
Me: You know, like you shake it on?
(Coworker looks over.)
Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper!
Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?
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Am I That Tough?
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
That's about all I've got.
It's been a long hard day.
Now it's a hard day's night.
You probably saw that one coming didn't ya?
It's true never the less, and I'm still having a hard time getting much sleep because of this little rat......I mean puppy.
Ana I didn't hear anything about a earthquake here.
Sounds like it was a very sneaky one.
Y'all have a happy day ya hear!
One more day.
joe
acebook
witter
If the project is not finished by tomorrow, my company is going to send me in Friday and/or Saturday, and I really hope that doesn't happen. 
I know the store got a lot done yesterday, so I just have to make sure it gets finished tomorrow. I'll force them to make me help them if I have to. 
everyone!
Good Morning everyone and Happy New Year's Eve! Coffee and tea are ready. Stay safe and happy today! 
Have an easy peasy day!
Sorta
