To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
GEORGE W. BUSH
`````````````````
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting
unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
```````````````
Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards.
• “I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”
• “I don’t have an oven; can
I still make this? Please reply
immediately.”
• “A warning that if you
cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for
25 minutes, it’s completely
ruined. Do you have any
suggestions?”
````````````````
A few years back, a woman wanted
to use the word acorns. What
she wrote instead was egg corns,
and ever since, linguists have had
a new toy: eggcorns, words and phrases that people screw up:
• Social leopard (social leper)
• Mute point (moot point)
• Skimp milk (skimmed milk)
• Youthamism (euphemism)
•
Holidays sauce
(Hollandaise sauce)
`````````````````````
Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs!
Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?!
```````````````````
Thinking of skipping work? Don’t try these real excuses—they didn’t work the first time.
• My false teeth flew out the window while I was driving down the highway.
• I quit smoking and I’m grouchy.
• My favorite football team lost
on Sunday, so I needed Monday to
recover.
• I received a threatening phone
call from the electric company and needed to report it to the FBI.
• I got lost and ended up in a
different state.
```````````````````
My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
``````````````
“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student.
She explained that she’d fallen
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.”
And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University.
``````````````````
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.”
(A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
```````````````````
A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis.
“And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said.
“What?” asked the clerk.
“The free wiffie,” she said, pointing to the sign.
“Ma’am, that’s ‘Free Wi-Fi.’ ”
``````````````````
Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?”
“Last night at 11:00,” I said.
“And the tires were on it then?”
``````````````````
Scene: A secondhand movie
exchange …
Me: Do you have the DVD of
Sharknado?
Clerk: Is that a documentary?
````````````````
My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking
ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the beauty of the island when suddenly she let out a scream.
“Oh!” she shrieked. “There are fish in here!”
````````````````````
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
```````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I had a pretty good day today. I found a good vet, that I know I'll never take my bird to again.
They told me on the phone that he was not an avian vet, but he does trimmings, and he's a nice guy that works with cows, horses, dogs, ostriches, and emus, but doesn't work with many birds. I had to help him by holding Pepper, and every snip he made drew blood.
The avian vet I went to in St Louis had tools designed specifically for working on birds, and he didn't ever cut Pepper, he used a Dremel on her claws and her beak. No blood and he has assistants that hold the bird.
I'll take her to Dallas if I have to from now on.
The rest of my day was messing around the house but we got a really good heavy long rain this afternoon that I was not expecting.
I'll probably do the back stroke over to the creek tomorrow.
I really don't think we got enough rain to flash flood the creek. We have more rain chances later on though.
American Horror Story is fixing to come on. I've gotta go get a nightmare.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I hope she's not traumatized. 
Good Morning Joe, Space, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. 
