OSCAR WILDE
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
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Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.
“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”
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The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”
One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”
Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”
The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’ “
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While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. “If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.”
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Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president.
“Nah,” says the second guy. “Real fame would be if the red phone rang when you were there, and the president wouldn’t take the call.”
“You’re both wrong,” says the third. “Fame is when you’re in the Oval Office and the red phone rings, the president answers it, listens for a second, and then says, “‘It’s for you.'”
And you say, "Hi Honey, I'll be home soon."
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My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realized he was her favorite twin.
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On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they’re eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play.
The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays “Amazing Grace.” When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years.”
Boy that stinks!
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The Week asked its readers to come up with the name of a French fast-food restaurant:
•Brief Bourguignonne
•Kentucky Fried Chic
•Tore de Pants
•Fatatouille
•Fryer Jacques
•Have It Eur Way
•Chomps Élysées
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Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck.
1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
’65 Ford Fairlane
’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
’64 Pontiac GTO
2) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.
3) A woodcutter has a chain saw, which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. Here’s the question: How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
4) If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
My neighbors would ace that test.................all of them.
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Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer
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After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom
Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone
Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District
Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom
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The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead.”
–Dennis Pearce
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men”—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. –Tom Wallace
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Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.
“George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group.
George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night.
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If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here’s what the ink would actually say:
Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase.
I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I chose this.
Thinking-ahead deficient.
Personal names on my body are not necessarily indicative of my relationship with that person when you read this.
I regretted this one almost immediately.
It may be wrong to assume that I know what this symbol represents.
Actively taking a role in reducing the number of potential places that might employ me.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Off the Cobb Diner.
Very little to add to what's already posted.
The corn is planted. I'm just here to fertilize it.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Thanks for the chuckles Joe! 
. My friend took me to the emergency room nearby and waited all evening with me while they X-rayed my wrist and put on a temporary cast.
Good gaming day though. 
Have an easy peasy day!
all!
