I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
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Learn From Children
Some things I've learned from my children over the years...
1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape.
5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoe it does not leak-it explodes.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super glue is forever.
21. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
22. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
23. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
24. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
25. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
26. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.27. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
28. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
29. The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time.
30. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
31. It will however make cats dizzy.
32. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
33. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
34. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
I think those are pretty old. What's a VCR? lol12
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Learn From Movies
Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I had a great day today. I didn't do anything very heavy, but I've figured out that I have to dive into exercising mode early, before my body wakes up and sees what I'm doing.
I did my exercising thing. It's only 7 minutes, but I've started doing each exercise for 40 seconds instead of 30 seconds. The results have been really good with it, but it's not enough, so after I did those and recovered from it, an hour later, I got on my treadmill for 30 minutes.
I also figured out that I'm in far worse shape than I thought I was, and Ana I'm sorry but I won't be running with you this Summer. I decided to see how far I could jog on the treadmill.
I think it was the equivalent on running around the block, before my legs gave out, and my lungs caved in.
Maybe by next Summer I'll be able to run 10 miles.......if I work REALLY hard.
After I did those exercises, I had two chilly-cheese dogs.
Then I took the pups parking.
Also I'm fantastically happy to report that I was finally able to get my Crysis game to install, which took the whole 30 minutes that I was on the treadmill, and it runs! WOO HOO!! HAPPY HAPPY.
I haven't played it in two years.
I'm also really happy to say I got my favorite cordless shaver back into service. It's rechargeable battery would no longer hold a charge. It's a cordless linear shaver, and I had tried finding a new battery for it in stores without any luck. I had to fall back on a rotary one that I really didn't like as well, so I finally took the old one apart to see what type of battery it had, and determine if I could maybe order a new one. I went on line and found one and ordered it, and it arrived today. I put it back together and
{{WALLA}} it's like new again.
Then I scrubbed my shower then got in and got it dirty again, and that way my day in a nut case......I mean nut shell.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
to everyone.
Good Morning Joe, MaG, Ana and all. Coffee and tea are ready. It's going to be a mild day today - warmer than normal! I like that! Have a great day everyone! 
