LEONARDO DA VINCI
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death.
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Sara was driving home from work when she noticed a Policeman following her.
"Pull over!" the cop announced.
Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.
"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." He then wrote her $25.00 ticket.
Back home, Sara was wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had a bright idea.
Opening the checkbook register, she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.
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Rita noticed that her friend, Julie, who was standing at a distance, was having a conversation with another friend. Judging by their gestures, Rita suspected that the conversation involved a secret.
When the other woman left, Rita walked up to Julie ans asked "What did she tell you?"
"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said Julie.
"All right," Rita sighed.
Immediately, Julie whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"
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Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”
Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?
He saw a donkey lying dead.
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A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”
A back bencher replied: “May be because your feet are not empty?”
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Dean was suffering from bad health for some time. His eyes bulged out, his throat was swollen and he made peculiar sounds when he spoke.
The doctor declared that Dean did not have long to live. Undaunted, Dean decided to live life king size till the end. He ordered the best wines and food. He went to a tailor and ordered new shirts, trousers and suit. The tailor suggested 16 size collar. Dean insisted that he would prefer to have size 14 as he always wore that size.
The tailor suggested: “Fine sir, if you insist, I can give you size 14, but I must warn you that your size is 16. If I give you 14, your eyes will bulge out, your throat will swell and you will make croaking sound when you speak."
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Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.
His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."
Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."
His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"
Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."
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A village was facing a problem of speeding cars resulting in accidents every now and then.
The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.
At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play.
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.
Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Clothing optional Colony.
As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.
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Anita gave birth to a healthy baby boy. An old aunt who came to visit her, noticed that the baby had flaming red hair.
"I see that you have black hair", she said to Anita, "What color is the fathers' hair?".
"I have no idea", answered Anita, "He was wearing a hat".
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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."
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The blind date hadn't been all that great and Susan was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"
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Martin was working in a small town as branch manager of a financial institution. The rule stipulated that if a branch manager of a small branch needed leave for some reason, he had to inform the nearest city office which would send a substitute to take charge of the town office.
Martin’s wife got sick and he needed leave for a few days. The city office received a cable which read: “Wife sick, send substitute for a week.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
As Monday's go, mine was pretty good, and I guess I'm ready for another Tuesday.
It was very overcast when I got up. It was a nice cool morning. I'm still working on my flower beds, and I went outside to do some more work on it. It had these retainer blocks bordering it before, and instead of laying them down flat like they were, I decided to stand them on edge. It looks a lot better. I had to dig up three bushes first, that I didn't like where they put them. Someone didn't put a lot of forethought into where they planted the trees and bushes out there.
I had finished one side of the porch, and put down a barrier and brown mulch, and today I started trenching the other side of the porch for those blocks. I got about half of it dug out when it started to rain. It continued raining lightly for a couple of hours, so I went inside and ate lunch, and got a two hour nap as well.
When I got up, I decided to work on something else for a while. I had worn out the wire cloth on my sifter while head hunting, and I had bought a new roll of it, so I took off the old wire cloth, and replaced it with new wire cloth, and then I cut some more 2x4s and built another sifter, so I now have two sifters.
My buddy Shane may be coming down here in early May to headhunt with me, and we may need two sifters.
After I finished that, I went back to working on the flower bed until I got all the blocks in place. Now I have to put the barrier down, and then mulch.
Then I have to do the other side, (outside the fence).
That was my Monday in a coconut shell.
Have a very happy Tuesday everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
You are a busy man! 
Good Morning Joe, MaG, Ana and everyone. It was a beautiful warm sunny day yesterday. We got up to 70+ degrees! Today we are going to hit 80 degrees and sunny! What a difference from our cold rainy damp weekend! Coffee and tea are ready. Enjoy the day everyone! 
Lotus!! I know I get the pleasure of talking to you on FB, but I really miss you here! Joe will be so happy to see you too!Q 
You have a wonderful afternoon!