We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
~Buddha~
``````````
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line``````
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
``````
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my
feelings.”
`````````
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
```````
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
our wall.”
``````````
As the hostess at the casino
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my
husband, who would be joining me
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
``````
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
```````````
Honest Brand SlogansHallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by
a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
````````````
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
````````````
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Humorist Reid Kerr
```````````
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
```````````
Weird Things Librarians HearLibrarians may be shy, but
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal
a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a
book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org
```````````
Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”
`````````
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
``````````
G00d m0rning everyb00mie.
Guess what. I'm ging t0 have t0 send my lapt0p in f0r repair.
I have m0re keys that d0n't want t0 w0rk, s0 I called them t0day f0r an RA.
N0w I have t0 find an0ther lapt0p to use in the mean time, and I just gave my last one to J0shua when he came to visit.
I have an old Lenovo that will work, but I cannot find the power cord for it.
I don't throw these things away. I have at least a dozen old power cords, and adapters, but not the one for that Lenovo, so I ordered a new one from Walmart today. When I get it, I'll send this laptop back for repair.
I quit using that Lenovo because the 'enter' key quit working on it, but I can use an optical keyboard with it.
Oh yeah! Welcome to the weekend everybody!!
Have a happy day.
Joe
acebook
witter
I had a very long, productive practice today. More practice tomorrow and hopefully some gaming time as well. 
