If you want to make people weep, you must weep yourself. If you want to make people laugh, your face must remain serious.
Giovanni Jacopo Casanova
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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new Mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Karen.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Joe.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Joe asks.
"Joe, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Joe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Suess
Read each of the following lines out loud. This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
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And now for the news.
The world turned today, and as it did people were running around all over it trying to keep from sliding off.
As far as is known, no one did slide off.
In a related story bungee cord sales are up 48%.
It kinda makes you wonder, if we all stopped moving at once, would the world stop turning?
Good morning everyboomie.
I had a VERY productive day at work yesterday.
I sure hope today is not that productive.
That's not what I signed on for.
They promised me when hired that I wouldn't be asked to do any true labor.
Only False Labor.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Happy Day wished for All! 
Hope all is well by you.
