They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.
~~~~~~~~~~
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering
a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Ya big lier!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.
He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with
a shovel."
"Freaking tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.
To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons
for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never
had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Shortest Books Ever Written * 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
There's one great oldie that doesn't have to be adapted to this old timer.
"Monday I have Friday on my mind" Easybeats
I think this may be the first 8:00 to 5:00 schedule I've had in 5 years. Weird
It's Monday, we have freight to stock, we also have our department torn up trying to get patio furniture out, and Christmas decor set up.
Never a dull moment.
Ya gotta love retail.
I gotta tell you guys about the lady who called corporate to complain about the 16 foot tall inflatable Reaper we have in our store for Halloween. She says it will
"scare" her children. She also called in last year and complained about the animated witch we had set up. She said she won't be able to bring her children to the store.
Well mam, we achieved our goal then.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Now today, I have to do my Mum's taxes for the time from January 1st until my Dad died mid March. Tax authority said to do it pronto. 
Never a dull moment here... 
HUGS! 
I thought that's what all that stuff was for. Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!
Good luck with the taxes. Your system is a bit different there though. Have a lovely day! Hugs!
